Minxie Winksie's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Eharmony

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉

I’ve been online dating for almost two years now.  Even though it’s been an off and on, sometimes turbulent, dysfunctional, and yet, beautiful relationship, my experiences have taught me several important lessons.  Like how to conduct myself before the date (should you asking probing questions or not, texting or phone calls only), what to wear (flats for comfort or heels for fashion) and where to go.  I wish (for you and me) that I had all the answers.  It would make like easier…but then I’d be in a relationship and wouldn’t have anything to blog about anymore.  Right now I’d take the blog any day! 

Before the date…

If you’re on a site that values quality over quantity, like Eharmony, it’s going to take some until the first date, at least for most of us.  No worries, there’s no rush.  Mr. Almost Prince Charming is out there hopefully looking for someone like you and you may find him.  First, you need to weed out the princes from the toads, and you’re going to have to be patient.  This is not an easy task.  To make it an enjoyable experience try this:

  • Email first – Either let the guy email you, or if you’re feeling gutsy, email him first.  Keep the emails brief in the beginning.  Find out some basic information first and talk about yourself too.  But be careful, don’t give out your full name, address, email or cell just yet…Make him prove he’s worthy.  Now, if his email conversation skills are lacking, he may not be interested or he’s just not good at the online dating process.  It’s up to you to either let this continue or delve deeper into why he contacted you, but is disappointing.
  • Digits – Many of my girlfriends who’ve never online dated don’t feel comfortable with giving out their number to someone they’ve never met before.  I say: Carpi Diem….but STILL be cautious.  After a week, after once he’s proving to be better than his online profile, after you two have had amazing email conversations that go beyond the “interview” questions and most importantly, after you feel comfortable enough to give him your number…then you can give it to him.  There is always some risk you have to take when giving out your number because anyone can say anything over an email, so if you want take another week or so and talk over the phone.  Listen to his voice.  Does he sound sincere?  Are his emails matching up with what he’s saying over the phone?
  • What I do – I could give you examples of my typically email etiquette, but they vary with every guy that starts up the Eharmony communication or requests to email me.  I suggest you use some common sense and listen to your intuition.  If something doesn’t seem right…no matter how cute the guy is…cut him off.  You’ll save yourself a headache and possible heartbreak.

What to Wear…

I LOVE affordable and do-it-yourself fashion, so I let it show through my date attire.  I want the guy to know I have a great sense of fashion.  But, I’m also a sensible, artistic, put together and down to earth type of girl he could possibly settle down with.  Since the first date is the first superficial impression a man gets of you, make it a memorable one.  Don’t wear an outfit you’re not comfortable in…just be yourself.  This is why you’ll never find me wearing these items on a date:

  • Bad girl attire – Booty shorts, fishnet tights, super low rise-thong showing jeans, go-go boots, mini skirt, midriff tops or stilettos. 
  • What I do – I tend to tend to stay away from anything that screams I’ll definitely be in his bed as soon as the date is over.  I got for form-fitting dark jeans, dark blue ribbed tank, dark gray sweater moto jacket, black flats (if he’s short like me) or black high-heeled sandals (for a lanky guy).  This outfit is classy and fashion forward; it’s pretty standard for me.  But for you, adjust the date attire for the weather, the date, your mood…just remember the point is to pick a standard outfit where you’re mostly covered, but where your feminine figure is highlighted…in a positive way.

Where to go…

Your date setting is just as important as what you wear.  Consider it a reflection of who you are.  If you’re into the local music scene, see if your favorite band or type of music is playing.  If you’re a fan of ethnic food and love hole-in-the-wall restaurant, find a new one that neither of you have tried yet (bonus: it makes a great shared experience that both of you will remember).  Whatever you choose, remain cautious and keep these two factors in mind: 

  • Distance – Never choose a date spot that’s more than 5 miles away from your residence.  It should be relatively close and the time it takes to travel should be no longer than 10 minutes.  If you don’t have access to anything close by, then make sure it’s not more than a 30 minute drive.  If the both of you are hours away from each other and you feel like being amicable, pick a spot that is familiar to you but is half way, or be necessarily selfish and make him come to you.
  • Alcohol – Don’t consume any alcoholic beverages for at least a couple of dates.  And red flags should go up if he suggests a bar as your first date.  People tend to think you show who you really are when tipsy or slightly inebriated, but there’s no rush.  You should get to know the person over time.  On the first couple of dates the most important thing is to be complete control of your thoughts, words, urges and body.  Don’t be one of those people who get caught up in “the moment” and do something they regret.  Stay sober.
  • What I do:  I typically meet a guy no more than 5 minutes away from my place at this local swanky coffeehouse (no alcohol served) or an ethnic restaurant (which is BYOB), both places I frequent during non-date times.  This way I’m in control.  If I’m not having a good time I can end the date and make a swift getaway.  😉

 

I do hope this helped because it was most certainly therapeutic for me.  I’ve made some serious progress in the past two years!  And a final lesson is to come.  I have much more to say on what to do after the date, but since I’m still learning myself…I’ll wait until my third Eharmony date is over.  Cross your fingers for a winner!!!

😉

It’s time for me to look back.  I have to reflect on where I’ve come from, who I was, and how I got here.

I didn’t date much.  In fact, I didn’t really start to date until I was 26.  I know, it’s a long time, but I was a sheltered person.  No, I allowed myself to be sheltered.  It’s my fault.  I used being fat as a reason to not date, while others led their lives no matter their size.  My fat was my shell.  I used it to wrap up my emotions, feelings and thoughts, and then hide them away from the world.  It was my cocoon.  I clung to it for too long.

I was forced out after dating a verbally abusive guy who told me over and over that he was the best I’d ever get.  It was one of the worst relationships I’ve ever been in, and the last.  But his final taunts came at the right time.  A Weight Watchers program started the week after I finally had enough.  I joined March 20, 2007.  There was no stopping me.  I followed the plan, wrote in my food diary no matter the morsel, and worked out with my exes face and taunts floating in my head.  I had to show him.  He’d see that someone else would find me worth loving. 

By October 2009, I was at my goal weight.  I had achieved something I’d never tried before.  I lost almost 90 pounds and was down to a size 6.  I thought it would be so easy to get a guy.  I was skinny.  No one would ignore me anyone.  I’d be my charming, vivacious self and the boys would come running…right?  Wrong.  Sure, there were plenty of men willing to be with me…for the night…hour, 5 minutes…however long it took them to get off.  That’s all they wanted.  No one wanted to be in a meaningful relationship.  And I went along with it for a very short while.  But the longing to be loved was still there, no matter how much I caved into a man’s desires and let mine be ignored.  My heart remained empty and it wouldn’t be ignored.

I though online dating seemed to be the answer.  There were tons of men out there who were looking for love, just like me, right?  Wrong again. 

The first site I tried was plentyoffish, a free site.  It’s almost as if the freaks, rejects and degenerates frequented this site.  But I didn’t see that at first.  I saw men who were willing to give me the attention I craved.

Guy #1 was African-American, 6’7’’and 230 pounds.  Jackpot!  Not so much.  It was awkward from the first email.  I felt he was trying to dig for information, not to find out who I am, but to make sure I make good money, have a car, and live on my own.  We exchanged numbers and texting was the same story.  An added bonus, he expected me to be his girlfriend after one week of talking.  I remember being flattered and scared for my life at the same time.  He literally told me that I wasn’t to talk to any guys while I was out of town because I was his.  When he realized this request The only thing that was his was a big, fat, 6’7’’ tall no from me and a block of his number.

Guy #2 was Caucasian, 6’, tanned and worked with his hands.  I was smitten.  What white collar girl wouldn’t be attracted to his blue collar guy?  Our conversations were full of jokes and flirtations.  There came a point when I was hoping he’d offer to take me out to dinner, when he messaged me for a video chat through the site.  I was thrilled.  He was hot! 

When the window popped up, his handsome face was more tan and chiseled than his pictures.  We started talking and not long into the conversation he said he had a big problem he needed my help with.  He couldn’t get a stain out.  Being naïve and hoping for a date, I offered to help.  He proceeded to tell me about the stain but wouldn’t show it.  I told him not to be afraid, so he pulled out a pair of boxers with train tracks in them and stuck them in the camera.  If you don’t know what I mean, train tracks are also known as skid marks…poop stains.  Then he started messaging in capital letters talking about the stain, and how he needed me to touch…it.  I tried to close down the window, but my ancient computer froze.  I ran from the room screaming. 

One would think that after my first two experiences with online dating I would’ve learned my lesson, but no.  Not me.

Online dating continues to be a learning experience for me.  I find I’m constantly discovering what I can and cannot handle.  I’ll admit it.  I don’t like rejection and a big part to online dating is being rejected. 

If you’re an online dater like me, here are several types of rejection that you can experience…or dish out yourself: 

There’s the Superficial rejection: where someone views your picture and don’t find you appealing so they ignore your match notification sent by the dating program, email, wink or poke.  Let’s be honest…you’ve probably done this several times yourself, so it may not faze you at all.

One might experience the Semi-superficial rejection: where you and the other person hit it off through email, then text and then phone, or whatever order and method you choose.  But, when you meet in person they, or even you, may feel that there’s nothing there for you.  Maybe their posted picture wasn’t a true reflection of who you got to meet up close and personal; maybe it’s the same with their personality.  One person is bound to feel rejected…but it’s kind of your or their fault for false advertising.  You have to be yourself when dating, making yourself out to be someone you’re not will only hurt you in the end when your partner realizes you put on a sham.

Finally, the It’s Them Not You…aka…they have issues rejection: where at the end of an fireworks and sparks-smiling until your face hurts type of date, they could end up either not calling you ever again, or giving you the “We need to slow down line” and never call you again.  Why?  Because they have issues.  It could be commitment, insecurity, self-doubt, assholishness (yes, this isn’t a real word, but it should be), indecision, or maybe they just aren’t into like they are someone else.  Who knows?  But, if you are blown by this revelation…then guess what?  This kind of rejection is okay

Ask yourself this:  Do you really want someone in your life who cares very little about the awesome person you are, or whose mind changes with the wind?  Do you want someone who doesn’t know what they want, especially when you do?  You should be saying hell no.  This person rejecting you is the best thing that could happen.  You can now use them to make a list of things you don’t want, leading you to find someone that is a better match.  Easy. 

The hard part is sticking to it.  I know I struggle with it every time I talk to a new guy or go on a date.  But, I keep putting myself out there because I have a feeling the guy for me is right around the corner.

😉

I’ve been taking a stroll down the rabbit hole of superficiality again…

First off, let me say it’s not my fault.  I just LOVE my stilettos.  As someone who is 5’3”, they’re kind of necessary.  I go from squat to lengthy and many times from short legs to those like a gazelle!  They even improve my posture.  I’m so used to wearing them that I can barely walk in flats!

But what do I do when my upcoming Eharmony date on Friday is 5’8”?  And, men typically add a few inches…so he may even be 5’6”.  Either way, this guy…let’s call him Mr. Moto…is the shortest guy I’ve ever gone out with.  How am I going to strut my really cute but comfortable outfit (pictures later maybe?) when I may end up being the same height as my date, possibly making him uncomfortable and me too since I’m used to dating guys who are closer to 6”, are exactly 6”and sometimes over.  (Men typically like to date women who are shorter than they are…sorry you gazelle legged women out there.)  I don’t have any decent flats, let alone an outfit that goes with flats!

I should really try not to be superficial about his height.  I shouldn’t care.  Shame on me.  Mr. Moto’s a great guy! 

His Stats:

Teacher in a struggling school district

Loves his job

Wants to make a difference in his student’s lives

Drives a motorcycle in good weather

Love historical fiction

Is a romantic

Christian

Okay…maybe I’m not being superficial since I just listed more than five things about him and none are physical, financial or car related.  He and I have had some amazing email conversations too.  I’m really enjoying getting to know him.  I think our date is going to be amazing.  I found this little hole in the wall Lebanese restaurant that has belly dancing at 7:30.  It’s cultural, intimate, something completely out of the box for me and him…it’s perfect. 

I think I’m just being silly.  I have this feeling that the chemistry between us will outweigh any artificial height difference.

As always…stay tuned!!!

😉

Let’s call this one…Mr. Green Day because he looks kind of like the cuter version of the lead singer.

All I have to say is: TATTOOS! Man does he have them. They start at his wrist, then to his shoulders and then to his breast plate on the left side and a little on the right, but none around his neck. I only know this because a picture of his upper body is on his profile! 😛

His stats:

Has a bachelor degree in…

Back in school to learn Radiography (Definition: The use of the property of X-rays to cross materials to view inside objects. The impact on society of this technique has also been immense: application fields are medical, non-destructive testing, food inspection, security and archeology….thanks Wikipedia!)

LOVES playing the drums

LOVES staying in shape

LOVE his tattoos and wants to get more

Drummer+Tattoos+Brains=YUMMY!!!

BUT…

I don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of superficiality! I want to pick his brain to see how someone can be so left and right brained at the same time. How many Radiographers do you know that play drums and have tons of tattoos? Maybe I’ll ask him what his first degree is in, where did he go to school for that degree, where he is now, what is radiography, how long has he been playing the drums, why so many tattoos, what is the first one…The trick is to make it flow and not sound like a list of questions, like it does now.

Can’t wait!

Three days later…

I was supposed to have sent this blog when I made plans with Mr. Green Day, just like I was SUPPOSED to have a date this past Sunday…boy was I wrong. Well, Mr. Green Day and I hadn’t talked since we made plans Thursday. Then I text him Sunday, two hours before we were supposed to meet and I get a message saying he can’t make it because of family issue…what a bunch of bull-whooie! He said he wanted to meet up this week, so I responded “Sure, but only if you meet me in my area” (we were originally going to meet in a neutral place, my not so bright idea). We’ll see if this pans out. I’m not worried. I have plenty of others in my back pocket. As always, I’ll keep you posted. 😉

One thing I noticed about most online dating sites…and I’ve tried some of the “best” (Match.com, Yahoo Personals), is that there aren’t that many Black men there.  I should really say there are very few who are compatible with me and are interested.  Why would a Black man need to go on an online dating site to meet Black women?  They can talk to/hit on/ask us out any day they want.  The Black men I see on these sites are looking for anything but.

SO…

I am PROUD to be a card-carrying member of the “Date Whomever I Want” Club.  Really, I’ve been a member since I was a kid.  Growing up in a Jewish suburb, a mostly Jewish school, a church where there was only ten African-American families out of several hundred Caucasians…I was bound to date outside of my race.  My first boyfriend was white, as well as the second, third, fourth, etc.  When I think back on all of my legitimate boyfriends (those who I was in an actual relationship and not just “going out”), they’ve all been White. 

And it’s not by choice!  I am NOT a traitor.  I do NOT prefer Caucasian men.  I DO have a very strong attraction to MANY Black men.  Those fine Black men from my area, the ones with the college educations, no kids (there are very few), a good job and a reliable car…WITH all their bills paid for each month…they don’t ask me out.  They’d rather date White women.  And I really can’t be mad at them for that…that would make me a hypocrite.  Still, it would be nice for one of them to take interest.

I think it’s because my parents never discouraged me, even though they never tried to fool me by saying love is blind.  They also never tried to lie to me by saying the perfect Black man, who’s just like my daddy, would love me forever, marry me and give me children.  Because my parents looked at our mostly White world and saw I had, and still have, very few options. 

If I look for someone who is eloquent, educated, strong-willed, and resilient like my father, grandfather and my uncles, and not care what color the guy is then I will give myself the best chance of finding that everlasting love.  So if a nice non-African American guy asks me out or says he wants to get to know me…who am I to deny someone who could potentially be my husband and make me happy?

😉


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