Minxie Winksie's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Dating

It’s been a long long time/long long road to get back to a first date again. Without going into details, I’ve had my feelings hurt (on purpose) and have hurt some in return (most definitely not on purpose). But here I am, alive and kicking (some major ass). ;P

After dating so many…ahem…on and off-line losers….I’m back online dating again, only this time I’m not as naive or jaded to the whole online dating scene. I know a little about the pre-date hooplah now.  First up, my Pre-Date Cardnial Rule #1:  Talk to him over the phone before the date! I don’t care if it’s the night before and you’re about to get some sleep.  Make sure he calls you, and NOT the other way around.  Why?  Soooo many reasons…

1.)    Inflections in a voice are everything.  They give your date more personality than those snazzy emoticons.  😉

2.)    There won’t be any vague comments or misunderstandings that text messages deliver most of the time.  How many times have you questioned what the quintessential “…” meant after a comment?

3.)    You can hear your date’s surroundings.  This is VERY important.  Make sure he/she calls you when they’re home.  You need to know if he really lives on his own or are the roommates he’s been griping about are really his parents, girlfriend or wife.

4.)    Keep the phone call to a general.  Most of the men I’ve date don’t feel comfortable about talking over the phone.  It’s not about whether he’s comfortable, it’s about whether you’re comfortable with this guy taking you out.  But, you can compromise a little by keeping the conversation short.  This also helps keeping some of the mystery about yourself and your date.  Get the general info: job, car, kids, home, etc., but leave the fun tidbits/questions for the date.

My experience has been that if a guy is willing to text you to see how your day was or strike up some other random conversation, talk to the man!  He’s most likely not doing it to get in your pants because, like I’ve said conversations (especially long pauses) tend to make men squirm. 

So daters, do you need an non-text message conversation?  Or are you more comfortable with texting?  And, if you’d like, share your pre-date cardinal rule.  😉

The more I tried online dating, the more I became open-minded.  Take Mr. Small and Mighty.  He listed himself as a 37-year-old, 5’7” Caucasian man…no children mentioned.  His picture was okay and he was shorter than I usually like men to be, but I gave him a chance.

His stats:

Lived in one of the toughest neighborhoods in the area for years

Dates only African-American women, or Puerto Ricans

Worker at Fed Ex for 17 years

Has a son who’s 17

5’6” (barely)

Drives a Lexus (not that this matters)

He’s a really nice guy, but just not my type.  He’s not as outgoing as me…he’s quite, reserved but still high-strung.  But, somehow we made it to 3, that’s THREE, dates.  I don’t even know how, but I think both of us wanted to feel the other one out.  We’re both a little standoffish/shy and I think that has made us take things really slow…

But like I said he’s not my type, so on the last and last date the kiss had to seal the deal.  It was actually less of a kiss, more of a tongue lashing.  He dropped me off at my apartment and I took him inside of my doorway for some privacy.  I knew it was coming and I thought: ‘I haven’t felt any attraction, no spark with him.  If I don’t feel anything for him after this kiss, then I’ll cut it off.’  He pulled me into a hug, drew back and then pulled me close and kissed me.  My lips aren’t big, but his are minuscule.  So my mouth enveloped his, his tongue shot into mine and then went to town burrowing it’s way to my frickin’ tonsils.  He must have been into it because his hands grabbed my butt, pulled me even closer and continued mauling my mouth with his tongue.  Luckily it didn’t last long.  He must have really liked the kiss because he texted me to say hello after I got out of work the next day.

Unfortunately, I didn’t.  He’s a nice guy, who’s done a lot for his kid, but he’s not for me. 

NEXT!!!!

;D

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D

I’ve been online dating for almost two years now.  Even though it’s been an off and on, sometimes turbulent, dysfunctional, and yet, beautiful relationship, my experiences have taught me several important lessons.  Like how to conduct myself before the date (should you asking probing questions or not, texting or phone calls only), what to wear (flats for comfort or heels for fashion) and where to go.  I wish (for you and me) that I had all the answers.  It would make like easier…but then I’d be in a relationship and wouldn’t have anything to blog about anymore.  Right now I’d take the blog any day! 

Before the date…

If you’re on a site that values quality over quantity, like Eharmony, it’s going to take some until the first date, at least for most of us.  No worries, there’s no rush.  Mr. Almost Prince Charming is out there hopefully looking for someone like you and you may find him.  First, you need to weed out the princes from the toads, and you’re going to have to be patient.  This is not an easy task.  To make it an enjoyable experience try this:

  • Email first – Either let the guy email you, or if you’re feeling gutsy, email him first.  Keep the emails brief in the beginning.  Find out some basic information first and talk about yourself too.  But be careful, don’t give out your full name, address, email or cell just yet…Make him prove he’s worthy.  Now, if his email conversation skills are lacking, he may not be interested or he’s just not good at the online dating process.  It’s up to you to either let this continue or delve deeper into why he contacted you, but is disappointing.
  • Digits – Many of my girlfriends who’ve never online dated don’t feel comfortable with giving out their number to someone they’ve never met before.  I say: Carpi Diem….but STILL be cautious.  After a week, after once he’s proving to be better than his online profile, after you two have had amazing email conversations that go beyond the “interview” questions and most importantly, after you feel comfortable enough to give him your number…then you can give it to him.  There is always some risk you have to take when giving out your number because anyone can say anything over an email, so if you want take another week or so and talk over the phone.  Listen to his voice.  Does he sound sincere?  Are his emails matching up with what he’s saying over the phone?
  • What I do – I could give you examples of my typically email etiquette, but they vary with every guy that starts up the Eharmony communication or requests to email me.  I suggest you use some common sense and listen to your intuition.  If something doesn’t seem right…no matter how cute the guy is…cut him off.  You’ll save yourself a headache and possible heartbreak.

What to Wear…

I LOVE affordable and do-it-yourself fashion, so I let it show through my date attire.  I want the guy to know I have a great sense of fashion.  But, I’m also a sensible, artistic, put together and down to earth type of girl he could possibly settle down with.  Since the first date is the first superficial impression a man gets of you, make it a memorable one.  Don’t wear an outfit you’re not comfortable in…just be yourself.  This is why you’ll never find me wearing these items on a date:

  • Bad girl attire – Booty shorts, fishnet tights, super low rise-thong showing jeans, go-go boots, mini skirt, midriff tops or stilettos. 
  • What I do – I tend to tend to stay away from anything that screams I’ll definitely be in his bed as soon as the date is over.  I got for form-fitting dark jeans, dark blue ribbed tank, dark gray sweater moto jacket, black flats (if he’s short like me) or black high-heeled sandals (for a lanky guy).  This outfit is classy and fashion forward; it’s pretty standard for me.  But for you, adjust the date attire for the weather, the date, your mood…just remember the point is to pick a standard outfit where you’re mostly covered, but where your feminine figure is highlighted…in a positive way.

Where to go…

Your date setting is just as important as what you wear.  Consider it a reflection of who you are.  If you’re into the local music scene, see if your favorite band or type of music is playing.  If you’re a fan of ethnic food and love hole-in-the-wall restaurant, find a new one that neither of you have tried yet (bonus: it makes a great shared experience that both of you will remember).  Whatever you choose, remain cautious and keep these two factors in mind: 

  • Distance – Never choose a date spot that’s more than 5 miles away from your residence.  It should be relatively close and the time it takes to travel should be no longer than 10 minutes.  If you don’t have access to anything close by, then make sure it’s not more than a 30 minute drive.  If the both of you are hours away from each other and you feel like being amicable, pick a spot that is familiar to you but is half way, or be necessarily selfish and make him come to you.
  • Alcohol – Don’t consume any alcoholic beverages for at least a couple of dates.  And red flags should go up if he suggests a bar as your first date.  People tend to think you show who you really are when tipsy or slightly inebriated, but there’s no rush.  You should get to know the person over time.  On the first couple of dates the most important thing is to be complete control of your thoughts, words, urges and body.  Don’t be one of those people who get caught up in “the moment” and do something they regret.  Stay sober.
  • What I do:  I typically meet a guy no more than 5 minutes away from my place at this local swanky coffeehouse (no alcohol served) or an ethnic restaurant (which is BYOB), both places I frequent during non-date times.  This way I’m in control.  If I’m not having a good time I can end the date and make a swift getaway.  😉

 

I do hope this helped because it was most certainly therapeutic for me.  I’ve made some serious progress in the past two years!  And a final lesson is to come.  I have much more to say on what to do after the date, but since I’m still learning myself…I’ll wait until my third Eharmony date is over.  Cross your fingers for a winner!!!

😉

I’ve been taking a stroll down the rabbit hole of superficiality again…

First off, let me say it’s not my fault.  I just LOVE my stilettos.  As someone who is 5’3”, they’re kind of necessary.  I go from squat to lengthy and many times from short legs to those like a gazelle!  They even improve my posture.  I’m so used to wearing them that I can barely walk in flats!

But what do I do when my upcoming Eharmony date on Friday is 5’8”?  And, men typically add a few inches…so he may even be 5’6”.  Either way, this guy…let’s call him Mr. Moto…is the shortest guy I’ve ever gone out with.  How am I going to strut my really cute but comfortable outfit (pictures later maybe?) when I may end up being the same height as my date, possibly making him uncomfortable and me too since I’m used to dating guys who are closer to 6”, are exactly 6”and sometimes over.  (Men typically like to date women who are shorter than they are…sorry you gazelle legged women out there.)  I don’t have any decent flats, let alone an outfit that goes with flats!

I should really try not to be superficial about his height.  I shouldn’t care.  Shame on me.  Mr. Moto’s a great guy! 

His Stats:

Teacher in a struggling school district

Loves his job

Wants to make a difference in his student’s lives

Drives a motorcycle in good weather

Love historical fiction

Is a romantic

Christian

Okay…maybe I’m not being superficial since I just listed more than five things about him and none are physical, financial or car related.  He and I have had some amazing email conversations too.  I’m really enjoying getting to know him.  I think our date is going to be amazing.  I found this little hole in the wall Lebanese restaurant that has belly dancing at 7:30.  It’s cultural, intimate, something completely out of the box for me and him…it’s perfect. 

I think I’m just being silly.  I have this feeling that the chemistry between us will outweigh any artificial height difference.

As always…stay tuned!!!

😉

Let’s call this one…Mr. Green Day because he looks kind of like the cuter version of the lead singer.

All I have to say is: TATTOOS! Man does he have them. They start at his wrist, then to his shoulders and then to his breast plate on the left side and a little on the right, but none around his neck. I only know this because a picture of his upper body is on his profile! 😛

His stats:

Has a bachelor degree in…

Back in school to learn Radiography (Definition: The use of the property of X-rays to cross materials to view inside objects. The impact on society of this technique has also been immense: application fields are medical, non-destructive testing, food inspection, security and archeology….thanks Wikipedia!)

LOVES playing the drums

LOVES staying in shape

LOVE his tattoos and wants to get more

Drummer+Tattoos+Brains=YUMMY!!!

BUT…

I don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of superficiality! I want to pick his brain to see how someone can be so left and right brained at the same time. How many Radiographers do you know that play drums and have tons of tattoos? Maybe I’ll ask him what his first degree is in, where did he go to school for that degree, where he is now, what is radiography, how long has he been playing the drums, why so many tattoos, what is the first one…The trick is to make it flow and not sound like a list of questions, like it does now.

Can’t wait!

Three days later…

I was supposed to have sent this blog when I made plans with Mr. Green Day, just like I was SUPPOSED to have a date this past Sunday…boy was I wrong. Well, Mr. Green Day and I hadn’t talked since we made plans Thursday. Then I text him Sunday, two hours before we were supposed to meet and I get a message saying he can’t make it because of family issue…what a bunch of bull-whooie! He said he wanted to meet up this week, so I responded “Sure, but only if you meet me in my area” (we were originally going to meet in a neutral place, my not so bright idea). We’ll see if this pans out. I’m not worried. I have plenty of others in my back pocket. As always, I’ll keep you posted. 😉


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