Minxie Winksie's Blog

Sometimes slipping back into a pair of worn in, but still cute jeans is a lot easier than buying a whole new pair, at least for me.  😉 

I think I’m the same way with men.  Such as my ex Kevin…he and I dated a year and a half ago for almost 6 months.  I left him when he didn’t want to introduce me to his parents.  We had some pretty heated arguments because his excuse was that he’s commitment-phobic….or what I call a cop-out.  He accused me of wanting titles, and in return I accused him of holding onto so much pain from the past he couldn’t see a good woman even if she (me) slapped him across his face.  Of course I didn’t lower myself to physical violence…I left with his pleads following me out of the door.

Nine months later I found myself contacting him again.  I was concerned.  I know the way I left hurt him, but I had to do it for me.  He was still very angry with me at this point, so I left the idea of us becoming friends die a quick death and moved on. 

But maybe I never really did, because there I was last Friday at one of the best sushi places in town, sharing a bottle of wine with “the ex-boyfriend.”  It was easy to slip back into the groove of gabbing over our shared favorite food.  I talked about hobbies I’ve been getting into, my new goals; my accomplishments, and he talked about the same. 

But Kevin had a big surprise for me; he’s been seeing this “girl” (44-year-old woman and 10 years his senior) for 18 months now.  (Now if you’re seeing a woman who’s is grown than you are for over 18 months, don’t you think you’d see her as more than “your girl.”  She’s a grown ass woman!)  Anyway, he complained their “thing” had grown stale and he wasn’t sure he’d continue. 

I wasn’t surprised.  Kevin has always been and will always be commitment-phobic.  He’ll never want to talk about taking the “dating” and making it into a “relationship.”  He doesn’t believe in titles.  He still doesn’t feel any woman was good enough for him, even though he could never reciprocate the perfectionism he desired.  He probably felt this way about his current “relationship” for some time, which is why he jumped to eat sushi with me, dressed like he was on a date.  Same old Kevin…

So as for me…I have no desire for my old pair of jeans anymore.  I may be used to the fit, but they’re old, tired, worn-in, out of style, and there are SO SO many more pairs that could easily suit my body, and many will fit me a hell of a lot better.  So those jeans…they’ll be donated to the nearest Goodwill store…ASAP!!!

 😉

Advertisements

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D

Oh my, how I lost my way.  My dear blog, I had such high hopes for you.  I was going to let the world see how it is for an educated, African American woman dating in a small city.  But, all that I achieved was a sense of desperation, panic, loneliness and pain; feelings I denied for years existed inside of me.

So it’s time for me to refocus, rededicate and revamp.  I’ll still use the same name and page design, but I’m going back to my original plan.  I still And, I’ll keep my old posts to show the positive changes I’ve made for myself.  If I find that a year later I’m single; then I’ll be a well-rounded and self full-filled, single woman.  If the right one has found me, you better believe I’ll still be that well-rounded and self full-filled woman.

Here we go…

I think in today’s society it’s assumed that something must be wrong with you if you’re STILL single past the age of 25.  This must be the assumption because many events and activities are couple focused.  You MUST have a date.  But for a single woman trying to focus on other things besides a “Plus One,” life can be a lonely experience.  Let’s be honest, there aren’t many activities for a single girl to partake in.  This also depends on where you life…SO if you live in a small city/big town like I do, you MUST find something to do in the “Meantime.” 

The “Meantime” for a single woman is the period of in-between time; you’re in between being single and finding the right guy.  But, before you get there, you MUST take care of your needs, likes, wants and must-haves.  During this period a woman is supposed to rediscover their favorite activities or discover new ones.  What are some of your favorite hobbies that you no longer get to do?  What are some activities or hobbies that you’ve always wanted to try but never got a chance to? 

My meantime started almost three years ago when I decided to join Weight Watchers and lost 95 pounds in a year and a half.  Then I lost my way when I started dating.  I really wasn’t ready to “find the one.”  I hadn’t even found myself yet!  I never took the time to rediscover myself again.  With my new body came a new life and I never took time to live it.  I was too concerned with dating.  I wanted the attention of as many “men” as I could get…and that led to a lot of trouble…more on that later, much later.

SO, here I am STILL single, 15 pounds gained back (which look FABULOUS on me by the way!), working three jobs STILL and just NOW stepping into my meantime. 

Lately I’ve tried:

  • Creating a blog…ta-da!
  • Writing poetry about being single and how much men suck…
  • And, tie-dyeing…

But, two out of three deal with dating.  I need to get away from that because looking back on my old blog posts it’s as if that’s all I care about.  But I want to do so much more like:

  • Taking acoustic guitar lessons…
  • Redesigning t-shirts with more tie-dye or adding bows to the neckline.  (I LOVE fashion.)…
  • Traveling with girlfriends (single and non)…
  • Working on my non-date related writing…

And whatever else comes along…Either way, I have to keep my focus off online dating.  There’s so much more to me than who I am as I’m waiting for a guy with baggage to wake up and realize I’m the one!  This is my time to go back and rediscover who I am so that I don’t enter a relationship unhealthy, unhappy and not loving myself.  And I’m doing it, right now.

One thing many of you do no know about me is that I actually do have a life outside online dating!  SHOCKER!  I know, I know.  My entire blog focuses on online dating.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with blogging.  You can take any topic you want and create an online journal dedicated towards the topic, which the world has the pleasure to view. 

Unfortunately, I decided it was a “great” idea to post my blogs on Facebook.  Not such a great idea in retrospect because for those of you who know nothing about me (which I’m trying to figure out so I can delete you from my Facebook “friends” list, post haste!), you could assume that I only care about finding the right man or even…that I’m…DESPERATE!!!  Honestly, maybe I am.  In some ways aren’t we all?  Who doesn’t crave to be loved and understood?  Who doesn’t want that one person who will laugh at their jokes or tell them it wasn’t that funny, and then the two of you laugh about your unfunny joke?  I figure that online dating is my shot to get out there, because my Mr. Right is NOT in Harrisburg, Pa. 

So here I am blogging…and here I’ll stay…

Do people who use online dating sites have social issues?  To be fair I’m saying people, when really I mean men…especially the mean the men I’m had the “pleasure” of dating.

I’m a social and open person and yet the men that are attracted to me are workaholics, too busy to do online dating or don’t know how to talk to a woman.  I wonder if most of these guys have been hiding under a rock, afraid that females will come scoop them up and eat them whole.  They figure that going online to find a partner is easier because they introduce themselves to the female population in a setting where rejection is never face-to-face.  OR, online is a place they can easily lie, be insincere or perverted.

Either way, Eharmony may have be the best chance to meet your future husband or wife, but for me it’s introduced me to nothing but rock-hiding FREAKS!

 I’ve been told I’m too accommodating.  That being too nice makes a man not respect you.  I think it’s true…especially after talking with Mr. Nurse. 

He seemed so good on paper, like most of the guys on these online dating sites…

His Stats:

5’7”

Trauma Nurse

Volunteer Firefighter

Taking classes to further his career

Romantic

Shy

Never dated a black woman (Yes, this is important to me)

Has a painted toe fetish!!!!

Mr. Nurse, like Mr. Green Day, requested that we skip the suggested Eharmony communication guidelines and go right to email… THIS IS THE PART WHERE I SHOULD’VE SAID: NO THANKS!  But no, that would be smart.  I accommodated him and we talked for a few days over email.  It was nothing special, just: How was your day?  What do you like to do on the weekends?…the typical, boring questions.  It felt like my first interview out of college!  I was pleasantly surprised when he suggested we exchange numbers because he wanted to call me.  Most online dating men do not like to call, they LOVE to text. 

So I have him my number.  Instead of calling me first, he texted me saying how beautiful I am, how I look so much like Michelle Obama, how he likes my smile…all of the things guys like to say when trying to catch a new girl.  I lapped it up, a little.  I found it odd that he was laying it on so strong.  Not long into the texts he says he must admit something to me: He has a small fetish; he loves a girl with painted toes.  Now after my experiences with the Plentyoffish.com guy who loved to have skid marks in his undies, I was ready to rip him a new one.  WHY would you tell me that after texting for an HOUR?!  Not only is expressing this extremely early in the conversation creepy, but it announces exactly why you’re on match and it definitely isn’t to find the “right one.”

The nice girl in me let him keep on texting, but I did give him a little hell for bring that up.  I was so turned off, his comment made him sound desperate.  It seems as if he hasn’t had any female interaction physical contact or even shared the same air space with a woman in such a long time.  All he can do is look down, since he’s so close to the ground, and admire our pretty pedicure feet.

And I’ll be honest…the lonely, single girl in me let us keep talking anyway.  I kept smiling at his compliments anyway.  And, we planned a date…which he cancelled because of a “family situation.”

Maybe he found a girl who would let him suck on her pretty painted toes…

Whatever.  From here on out, I’m being assertive.  No more being polite and compromising.  Call it being a bitch it you want to.  But, if you don’t want to go through the Eharmony guidelines, then ask me out on a date, go where I want to go and then pay for the first couple of dates (if I decide there will be another date), then FORGET IT.  I can’t continue to be one of those girls who attracts loser after loser.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1 other follower

Minxie’s Tweets

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Categories