Minxie Winksie's Blog

Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

It’s been a long long time/long long road to get back to a first date again. Without going into details, I’ve had my feelings hurt (on purpose) and have hurt some in return (most definitely not on purpose). But here I am, alive and kicking (some major ass). ;P

After dating so many…ahem…on and off-line losers….I’m back online dating again, only this time I’m not as naive or jaded to the whole online dating scene. I know a little about the pre-date hooplah now.  First up, my Pre-Date Cardnial Rule #1:  Talk to him over the phone before the date! I don’t care if it’s the night before and you’re about to get some sleep.  Make sure he calls you, and NOT the other way around.  Why?  Soooo many reasons…

1.)    Inflections in a voice are everything.  They give your date more personality than those snazzy emoticons.  😉

2.)    There won’t be any vague comments or misunderstandings that text messages deliver most of the time.  How many times have you questioned what the quintessential “…” meant after a comment?

3.)    You can hear your date’s surroundings.  This is VERY important.  Make sure he/she calls you when they’re home.  You need to know if he really lives on his own or are the roommates he’s been griping about are really his parents, girlfriend or wife.

4.)    Keep the phone call to a general.  Most of the men I’ve date don’t feel comfortable about talking over the phone.  It’s not about whether he’s comfortable, it’s about whether you’re comfortable with this guy taking you out.  But, you can compromise a little by keeping the conversation short.  This also helps keeping some of the mystery about yourself and your date.  Get the general info: job, car, kids, home, etc., but leave the fun tidbits/questions for the date.

My experience has been that if a guy is willing to text you to see how your day was or strike up some other random conversation, talk to the man!  He’s most likely not doing it to get in your pants because, like I’ve said conversations (especially long pauses) tend to make men squirm. 

So daters, do you need an non-text message conversation?  Or are you more comfortable with texting?  And, if you’d like, share your pre-date cardinal rule.  😉

 When you throw a guy away, sometimes he comes back and pursues you with a vengeance.

I threw away Mr. B last year after we hit it off on Match.com and in a weeks’ time it tanked.  At first we had some quirky and funny conversations that turned awkward, and then straight-up weird.  I think he was overly cautious and afraid of dating again, even though he put up a good front by joking about an ex-girlfriend that put him through the ringer.  He might have also been cautious because he never dated outside of his race, but I looked sweet so he wanted to get to know me.  (Yay me…)

A lot of good that did because by the time we hit the “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” question, he said we weren’t a match and jumped ship.  I was shocked because that wasn’t the case, but I could tell he was…scared.  (I could go on and on about the color issue being the reason he was scared, but I’ve run into the “I’ve never dated a Black woman” type so much that it doesn’t faze me anymore and it isn’t worth going on a rant.)

We end up meeting again at a local Giant where we both have part-time jobs.  He works in produce, and I’m contracted by an outside company to do food surveys.  I didn’t know what to expect from him more than 6 months later so I avoided eye contact or even being in the same air space, and acted like he didn’t exist.  I know, real mature…  But what would you do if someone just cut you off like that without really getting to know you, AND THEN you ran into them at a sort of mutual job? 

He was hesitant at first, but by the second time my survey company came to the store (about a month later), he emailed me and acted like he didn’t remember why we stopped talking and wanted us to be friends.  I saw this going two ways: We really get to know each other this time and it could move into something more OR We get to know each other and decide that friendship is best.

We’ll have to see…either way my guard is on full alert with the lights flashing and crazed security dogs!

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉

I think in today’s society it’s assumed that something must be wrong with you if you’re STILL single past the age of 25.  This must be the assumption because many events and activities are couple focused.  You MUST have a date.  But for a single woman trying to focus on other things besides a “Plus One,” life can be a lonely experience.  Let’s be honest, there aren’t many activities for a single girl to partake in.  This also depends on where you life…SO if you live in a small city/big town like I do, you MUST find something to do in the “Meantime.” 

The “Meantime” for a single woman is the period of in-between time; you’re in between being single and finding the right guy.  But, before you get there, you MUST take care of your needs, likes, wants and must-haves.  During this period a woman is supposed to rediscover their favorite activities or discover new ones.  What are some of your favorite hobbies that you no longer get to do?  What are some activities or hobbies that you’ve always wanted to try but never got a chance to? 

My meantime started almost three years ago when I decided to join Weight Watchers and lost 95 pounds in a year and a half.  Then I lost my way when I started dating.  I really wasn’t ready to “find the one.”  I hadn’t even found myself yet!  I never took the time to rediscover myself again.  With my new body came a new life and I never took time to live it.  I was too concerned with dating.  I wanted the attention of as many “men” as I could get…and that led to a lot of trouble…more on that later, much later.

SO, here I am STILL single, 15 pounds gained back (which look FABULOUS on me by the way!), working three jobs STILL and just NOW stepping into my meantime. 

Lately I’ve tried:

  • Creating a blog…ta-da!
  • Writing poetry about being single and how much men suck…
  • And, tie-dyeing…

But, two out of three deal with dating.  I need to get away from that because looking back on my old blog posts it’s as if that’s all I care about.  But I want to do so much more like:

  • Taking acoustic guitar lessons…
  • Redesigning t-shirts with more tie-dye or adding bows to the neckline.  (I LOVE fashion.)…
  • Traveling with girlfriends (single and non)…
  • Working on my non-date related writing…

And whatever else comes along…Either way, I have to keep my focus off online dating.  There’s so much more to me than who I am as I’m waiting for a guy with baggage to wake up and realize I’m the one!  This is my time to go back and rediscover who I am so that I don’t enter a relationship unhealthy, unhappy and not loving myself.  And I’m doing it, right now.

Do people who use online dating sites have social issues?  To be fair I’m saying people, when really I mean men…especially the mean the men I’m had the “pleasure” of dating.

I’m a social and open person and yet the men that are attracted to me are workaholics, too busy to do online dating or don’t know how to talk to a woman.  I wonder if most of these guys have been hiding under a rock, afraid that females will come scoop them up and eat them whole.  They figure that going online to find a partner is easier because they introduce themselves to the female population in a setting where rejection is never face-to-face.  OR, online is a place they can easily lie, be insincere or perverted.

Either way, Eharmony may have be the best chance to meet your future husband or wife, but for me it’s introduced me to nothing but rock-hiding FREAKS!

 I’ve been told I’m too accommodating.  That being too nice makes a man not respect you.  I think it’s true…especially after talking with Mr. Nurse. 

He seemed so good on paper, like most of the guys on these online dating sites…

His Stats:

5’7”

Trauma Nurse

Volunteer Firefighter

Taking classes to further his career

Romantic

Shy

Never dated a black woman (Yes, this is important to me)

Has a painted toe fetish!!!!

Mr. Nurse, like Mr. Green Day, requested that we skip the suggested Eharmony communication guidelines and go right to email… THIS IS THE PART WHERE I SHOULD’VE SAID: NO THANKS!  But no, that would be smart.  I accommodated him and we talked for a few days over email.  It was nothing special, just: How was your day?  What do you like to do on the weekends?…the typical, boring questions.  It felt like my first interview out of college!  I was pleasantly surprised when he suggested we exchange numbers because he wanted to call me.  Most online dating men do not like to call, they LOVE to text. 

So I have him my number.  Instead of calling me first, he texted me saying how beautiful I am, how I look so much like Michelle Obama, how he likes my smile…all of the things guys like to say when trying to catch a new girl.  I lapped it up, a little.  I found it odd that he was laying it on so strong.  Not long into the texts he says he must admit something to me: He has a small fetish; he loves a girl with painted toes.  Now after my experiences with the Plentyoffish.com guy who loved to have skid marks in his undies, I was ready to rip him a new one.  WHY would you tell me that after texting for an HOUR?!  Not only is expressing this extremely early in the conversation creepy, but it announces exactly why you’re on match and it definitely isn’t to find the “right one.”

The nice girl in me let him keep on texting, but I did give him a little hell for bring that up.  I was so turned off, his comment made him sound desperate.  It seems as if he hasn’t had any female interaction physical contact or even shared the same air space with a woman in such a long time.  All he can do is look down, since he’s so close to the ground, and admire our pretty pedicure feet.

And I’ll be honest…the lonely, single girl in me let us keep talking anyway.  I kept smiling at his compliments anyway.  And, we planned a date…which he cancelled because of a “family situation.”

Maybe he found a girl who would let him suck on her pretty painted toes…

Whatever.  From here on out, I’m being assertive.  No more being polite and compromising.  Call it being a bitch it you want to.  But, if you don’t want to go through the Eharmony guidelines, then ask me out on a date, go where I want to go and then pay for the first couple of dates (if I decide there will be another date), then FORGET IT.  I can’t continue to be one of those girls who attracts loser after loser.

I’ve been online dating for almost two years now.  Even though it’s been an off and on, sometimes turbulent, dysfunctional, and yet, beautiful relationship, my experiences have taught me several important lessons.  Like how to conduct myself before the date (should you asking probing questions or not, texting or phone calls only), what to wear (flats for comfort or heels for fashion) and where to go.  I wish (for you and me) that I had all the answers.  It would make like easier…but then I’d be in a relationship and wouldn’t have anything to blog about anymore.  Right now I’d take the blog any day! 

Before the date…

If you’re on a site that values quality over quantity, like Eharmony, it’s going to take some until the first date, at least for most of us.  No worries, there’s no rush.  Mr. Almost Prince Charming is out there hopefully looking for someone like you and you may find him.  First, you need to weed out the princes from the toads, and you’re going to have to be patient.  This is not an easy task.  To make it an enjoyable experience try this:

  • Email first – Either let the guy email you, or if you’re feeling gutsy, email him first.  Keep the emails brief in the beginning.  Find out some basic information first and talk about yourself too.  But be careful, don’t give out your full name, address, email or cell just yet…Make him prove he’s worthy.  Now, if his email conversation skills are lacking, he may not be interested or he’s just not good at the online dating process.  It’s up to you to either let this continue or delve deeper into why he contacted you, but is disappointing.
  • Digits – Many of my girlfriends who’ve never online dated don’t feel comfortable with giving out their number to someone they’ve never met before.  I say: Carpi Diem….but STILL be cautious.  After a week, after once he’s proving to be better than his online profile, after you two have had amazing email conversations that go beyond the “interview” questions and most importantly, after you feel comfortable enough to give him your number…then you can give it to him.  There is always some risk you have to take when giving out your number because anyone can say anything over an email, so if you want take another week or so and talk over the phone.  Listen to his voice.  Does he sound sincere?  Are his emails matching up with what he’s saying over the phone?
  • What I do – I could give you examples of my typically email etiquette, but they vary with every guy that starts up the Eharmony communication or requests to email me.  I suggest you use some common sense and listen to your intuition.  If something doesn’t seem right…no matter how cute the guy is…cut him off.  You’ll save yourself a headache and possible heartbreak.

What to Wear…

I LOVE affordable and do-it-yourself fashion, so I let it show through my date attire.  I want the guy to know I have a great sense of fashion.  But, I’m also a sensible, artistic, put together and down to earth type of girl he could possibly settle down with.  Since the first date is the first superficial impression a man gets of you, make it a memorable one.  Don’t wear an outfit you’re not comfortable in…just be yourself.  This is why you’ll never find me wearing these items on a date:

  • Bad girl attire – Booty shorts, fishnet tights, super low rise-thong showing jeans, go-go boots, mini skirt, midriff tops or stilettos. 
  • What I do – I tend to tend to stay away from anything that screams I’ll definitely be in his bed as soon as the date is over.  I got for form-fitting dark jeans, dark blue ribbed tank, dark gray sweater moto jacket, black flats (if he’s short like me) or black high-heeled sandals (for a lanky guy).  This outfit is classy and fashion forward; it’s pretty standard for me.  But for you, adjust the date attire for the weather, the date, your mood…just remember the point is to pick a standard outfit where you’re mostly covered, but where your feminine figure is highlighted…in a positive way.

Where to go…

Your date setting is just as important as what you wear.  Consider it a reflection of who you are.  If you’re into the local music scene, see if your favorite band or type of music is playing.  If you’re a fan of ethnic food and love hole-in-the-wall restaurant, find a new one that neither of you have tried yet (bonus: it makes a great shared experience that both of you will remember).  Whatever you choose, remain cautious and keep these two factors in mind: 

  • Distance – Never choose a date spot that’s more than 5 miles away from your residence.  It should be relatively close and the time it takes to travel should be no longer than 10 minutes.  If you don’t have access to anything close by, then make sure it’s not more than a 30 minute drive.  If the both of you are hours away from each other and you feel like being amicable, pick a spot that is familiar to you but is half way, or be necessarily selfish and make him come to you.
  • Alcohol – Don’t consume any alcoholic beverages for at least a couple of dates.  And red flags should go up if he suggests a bar as your first date.  People tend to think you show who you really are when tipsy or slightly inebriated, but there’s no rush.  You should get to know the person over time.  On the first couple of dates the most important thing is to be complete control of your thoughts, words, urges and body.  Don’t be one of those people who get caught up in “the moment” and do something they regret.  Stay sober.
  • What I do:  I typically meet a guy no more than 5 minutes away from my place at this local swanky coffeehouse (no alcohol served) or an ethnic restaurant (which is BYOB), both places I frequent during non-date times.  This way I’m in control.  If I’m not having a good time I can end the date and make a swift getaway.  😉

 

I do hope this helped because it was most certainly therapeutic for me.  I’ve made some serious progress in the past two years!  And a final lesson is to come.  I have much more to say on what to do after the date, but since I’m still learning myself…I’ll wait until my third Eharmony date is over.  Cross your fingers for a winner!!!

😉


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