Minxie Winksie's Blog

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

 When you throw a guy away, sometimes he comes back and pursues you with a vengeance.

I threw away Mr. B last year after we hit it off on Match.com and in a weeks’ time it tanked.  At first we had some quirky and funny conversations that turned awkward, and then straight-up weird.  I think he was overly cautious and afraid of dating again, even though he put up a good front by joking about an ex-girlfriend that put him through the ringer.  He might have also been cautious because he never dated outside of his race, but I looked sweet so he wanted to get to know me.  (Yay me…)

A lot of good that did because by the time we hit the “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” question, he said we weren’t a match and jumped ship.  I was shocked because that wasn’t the case, but I could tell he was…scared.  (I could go on and on about the color issue being the reason he was scared, but I’ve run into the “I’ve never dated a Black woman” type so much that it doesn’t faze me anymore and it isn’t worth going on a rant.)

We end up meeting again at a local Giant where we both have part-time jobs.  He works in produce, and I’m contracted by an outside company to do food surveys.  I didn’t know what to expect from him more than 6 months later so I avoided eye contact or even being in the same air space, and acted like he didn’t exist.  I know, real mature…  But what would you do if someone just cut you off like that without really getting to know you, AND THEN you ran into them at a sort of mutual job? 

He was hesitant at first, but by the second time my survey company came to the store (about a month later), he emailed me and acted like he didn’t remember why we stopped talking and wanted us to be friends.  I saw this going two ways: We really get to know each other this time and it could move into something more OR We get to know each other and decide that friendship is best.

We’ll have to see…either way my guard is on full alert with the lights flashing and crazed security dogs!

Sometimes slipping back into a pair of worn in, but still cute jeans is a lot easier than buying a whole new pair, at least for me.  😉 

I think I’m the same way with men.  Such as my ex Kevin…he and I dated a year and a half ago for almost 6 months.  I left him when he didn’t want to introduce me to his parents.  We had some pretty heated arguments because his excuse was that he’s commitment-phobic….or what I call a cop-out.  He accused me of wanting titles, and in return I accused him of holding onto so much pain from the past he couldn’t see a good woman even if she (me) slapped him across his face.  Of course I didn’t lower myself to physical violence…I left with his pleads following me out of the door.

Nine months later I found myself contacting him again.  I was concerned.  I know the way I left hurt him, but I had to do it for me.  He was still very angry with me at this point, so I left the idea of us becoming friends die a quick death and moved on. 

But maybe I never really did, because there I was last Friday at one of the best sushi places in town, sharing a bottle of wine with “the ex-boyfriend.”  It was easy to slip back into the groove of gabbing over our shared favorite food.  I talked about hobbies I’ve been getting into, my new goals; my accomplishments, and he talked about the same. 

But Kevin had a big surprise for me; he’s been seeing this “girl” (44-year-old woman and 10 years his senior) for 18 months now.  (Now if you’re seeing a woman who’s is grown than you are for over 18 months, don’t you think you’d see her as more than “your girl.”  She’s a grown ass woman!)  Anyway, he complained their “thing” had grown stale and he wasn’t sure he’d continue. 

I wasn’t surprised.  Kevin has always been and will always be commitment-phobic.  He’ll never want to talk about taking the “dating” and making it into a “relationship.”  He doesn’t believe in titles.  He still doesn’t feel any woman was good enough for him, even though he could never reciprocate the perfectionism he desired.  He probably felt this way about his current “relationship” for some time, which is why he jumped to eat sushi with me, dressed like he was on a date.  Same old Kevin…

So as for me…I have no desire for my old pair of jeans anymore.  I may be used to the fit, but they’re old, tired, worn-in, out of style, and there are SO SO many more pairs that could easily suit my body, and many will fit me a hell of a lot better.  So those jeans…they’ll be donated to the nearest Goodwill store…ASAP!!!

 😉

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D

I never thought this would be possible, but guys can use Eharmony to line up dates…just like at the Match.com Meat Market. 

Green Day contacted me last week still giving me the sob story that he was oh so sorry he cancelled on me at the last moment two weekends ago and he wanted to make it up to me.  I should’ve told him to take his spiky hair, tattoos, good boy/bad boy-watered down rocker persona and take a hike.  But no…I decided to be nicer than he deserved.  I let him feed me the same bull as last time…he’d contact me later on in the week, he’d drive down to see me, we’d go wherever I wanted to go and blah, blah, blah.  Well, don’t you know that he did it again?!  He made plans and promises that he knew he’d never keep.  When I didn’t hear from him for two days, I knew.  And, I haven’t heard from him since.

I can’t really say I’m surprised though.  But I never thought Eharmony would be one of those sites where guys can try to line up date after date, and have backups.  This is why Eharmony has the recommended communication guidelines.  They’re meant to weed out the serial daters.  So all of you Eharmony daters, if someone wants to skip the guidelines and just “get down to business,” stop and ask yourself why.  Chances are they haven’t paid attention to your profile and don’t really care about the fabulous person you are.  Now, if you just want to get down to business too…then go for it…Just remember, the guy most likely has several other girls lined up that want the “business” too.

Pat on the back for me for having common sense and not falling for another loser!  I’m on my way to finding real love!!!

😉

It’s time for me to look back.  I have to reflect on where I’ve come from, who I was, and how I got here.

I didn’t date much.  In fact, I didn’t really start to date until I was 26.  I know, it’s a long time, but I was a sheltered person.  No, I allowed myself to be sheltered.  It’s my fault.  I used being fat as a reason to not date, while others led their lives no matter their size.  My fat was my shell.  I used it to wrap up my emotions, feelings and thoughts, and then hide them away from the world.  It was my cocoon.  I clung to it for too long.

I was forced out after dating a verbally abusive guy who told me over and over that he was the best I’d ever get.  It was one of the worst relationships I’ve ever been in, and the last.  But his final taunts came at the right time.  A Weight Watchers program started the week after I finally had enough.  I joined March 20, 2007.  There was no stopping me.  I followed the plan, wrote in my food diary no matter the morsel, and worked out with my exes face and taunts floating in my head.  I had to show him.  He’d see that someone else would find me worth loving. 

By October 2009, I was at my goal weight.  I had achieved something I’d never tried before.  I lost almost 90 pounds and was down to a size 6.  I thought it would be so easy to get a guy.  I was skinny.  No one would ignore me anyone.  I’d be my charming, vivacious self and the boys would come running…right?  Wrong.  Sure, there were plenty of men willing to be with me…for the night…hour, 5 minutes…however long it took them to get off.  That’s all they wanted.  No one wanted to be in a meaningful relationship.  And I went along with it for a very short while.  But the longing to be loved was still there, no matter how much I caved into a man’s desires and let mine be ignored.  My heart remained empty and it wouldn’t be ignored.

I though online dating seemed to be the answer.  There were tons of men out there who were looking for love, just like me, right?  Wrong again. 

The first site I tried was plentyoffish, a free site.  It’s almost as if the freaks, rejects and degenerates frequented this site.  But I didn’t see that at first.  I saw men who were willing to give me the attention I craved.

Guy #1 was African-American, 6’7’’and 230 pounds.  Jackpot!  Not so much.  It was awkward from the first email.  I felt he was trying to dig for information, not to find out who I am, but to make sure I make good money, have a car, and live on my own.  We exchanged numbers and texting was the same story.  An added bonus, he expected me to be his girlfriend after one week of talking.  I remember being flattered and scared for my life at the same time.  He literally told me that I wasn’t to talk to any guys while I was out of town because I was his.  When he realized this request The only thing that was his was a big, fat, 6’7’’ tall no from me and a block of his number.

Guy #2 was Caucasian, 6’, tanned and worked with his hands.  I was smitten.  What white collar girl wouldn’t be attracted to his blue collar guy?  Our conversations were full of jokes and flirtations.  There came a point when I was hoping he’d offer to take me out to dinner, when he messaged me for a video chat through the site.  I was thrilled.  He was hot! 

When the window popped up, his handsome face was more tan and chiseled than his pictures.  We started talking and not long into the conversation he said he had a big problem he needed my help with.  He couldn’t get a stain out.  Being naïve and hoping for a date, I offered to help.  He proceeded to tell me about the stain but wouldn’t show it.  I told him not to be afraid, so he pulled out a pair of boxers with train tracks in them and stuck them in the camera.  If you don’t know what I mean, train tracks are also known as skid marks…poop stains.  Then he started messaging in capital letters talking about the stain, and how he needed me to touch…it.  I tried to close down the window, but my ancient computer froze.  I ran from the room screaming. 

One would think that after my first two experiences with online dating I would’ve learned my lesson, but no.  Not me.

Online dating continues to be a learning experience for me.  I find I’m constantly discovering what I can and cannot handle.  I’ll admit it.  I don’t like rejection and a big part to online dating is being rejected. 

If you’re an online dater like me, here are several types of rejection that you can experience…or dish out yourself: 

There’s the Superficial rejection: where someone views your picture and don’t find you appealing so they ignore your match notification sent by the dating program, email, wink or poke.  Let’s be honest…you’ve probably done this several times yourself, so it may not faze you at all.

One might experience the Semi-superficial rejection: where you and the other person hit it off through email, then text and then phone, or whatever order and method you choose.  But, when you meet in person they, or even you, may feel that there’s nothing there for you.  Maybe their posted picture wasn’t a true reflection of who you got to meet up close and personal; maybe it’s the same with their personality.  One person is bound to feel rejected…but it’s kind of your or their fault for false advertising.  You have to be yourself when dating, making yourself out to be someone you’re not will only hurt you in the end when your partner realizes you put on a sham.

Finally, the It’s Them Not You…aka…they have issues rejection: where at the end of an fireworks and sparks-smiling until your face hurts type of date, they could end up either not calling you ever again, or giving you the “We need to slow down line” and never call you again.  Why?  Because they have issues.  It could be commitment, insecurity, self-doubt, assholishness (yes, this isn’t a real word, but it should be), indecision, or maybe they just aren’t into like they are someone else.  Who knows?  But, if you are blown by this revelation…then guess what?  This kind of rejection is okay

Ask yourself this:  Do you really want someone in your life who cares very little about the awesome person you are, or whose mind changes with the wind?  Do you want someone who doesn’t know what they want, especially when you do?  You should be saying hell no.  This person rejecting you is the best thing that could happen.  You can now use them to make a list of things you don’t want, leading you to find someone that is a better match.  Easy. 

The hard part is sticking to it.  I know I struggle with it every time I talk to a new guy or go on a date.  But, I keep putting myself out there because I have a feeling the guy for me is right around the corner.

😉

I’ve been taking a stroll down the rabbit hole of superficiality again…

First off, let me say it’s not my fault.  I just LOVE my stilettos.  As someone who is 5’3”, they’re kind of necessary.  I go from squat to lengthy and many times from short legs to those like a gazelle!  They even improve my posture.  I’m so used to wearing them that I can barely walk in flats!

But what do I do when my upcoming Eharmony date on Friday is 5’8”?  And, men typically add a few inches…so he may even be 5’6”.  Either way, this guy…let’s call him Mr. Moto…is the shortest guy I’ve ever gone out with.  How am I going to strut my really cute but comfortable outfit (pictures later maybe?) when I may end up being the same height as my date, possibly making him uncomfortable and me too since I’m used to dating guys who are closer to 6”, are exactly 6”and sometimes over.  (Men typically like to date women who are shorter than they are…sorry you gazelle legged women out there.)  I don’t have any decent flats, let alone an outfit that goes with flats!

I should really try not to be superficial about his height.  I shouldn’t care.  Shame on me.  Mr. Moto’s a great guy! 

His Stats:

Teacher in a struggling school district

Loves his job

Wants to make a difference in his student’s lives

Drives a motorcycle in good weather

Love historical fiction

Is a romantic

Christian

Okay…maybe I’m not being superficial since I just listed more than five things about him and none are physical, financial or car related.  He and I have had some amazing email conversations too.  I’m really enjoying getting to know him.  I think our date is going to be amazing.  I found this little hole in the wall Lebanese restaurant that has belly dancing at 7:30.  It’s cultural, intimate, something completely out of the box for me and him…it’s perfect. 

I think I’m just being silly.  I have this feeling that the chemistry between us will outweigh any artificial height difference.

As always…stay tuned!!!

😉


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