Minxie Winksie's Blog

Archive for the ‘Eharmony’ Category

If you have ever read my blog, you would know that my online dating experience has been less than satisfactory.  (And if you haven’t, I suggest that you get on that ASAP!!!)  To be completely honest: It’s been the most hellish, absorbing and introspective/retrospective experience I have ever had.  And I don’t wish going about finding love this way on anyone.

The area I live in lacks history, culture, class, multiculturalism, educated men, educated men without kids, and once again….educated men without extreme baggage.  But why continue if it’s so bad when my options are limited?    But, I’m stubborn and pig-headed.  I refuse to believe that there isn’t a guy out there who wouldn’t love to be around my adorable-quirky self.

Of course my loved ones try hooking me up so that I can experience a more “normal” method of dating.  Nothing turned up during my 2+ years slaving away at online dating…BUT lately, my best friend and her husband may have struck gold and that gold’s name is Ryan.  Ryan has wanted to get to know me since we met briefly last summer.  He’s adorable, attentive, OCD (no, really), asks me out on dates, makes plans in the future (if only a few days in the future, lol).  He opens the car door, is not college educated but he has a stable job with the National Guard, and owns a house (which is in perfect condition due to his OCD!).  He has some baggage.  But the way the world is now…if you don’t have baggage you must be the 2011 version of Bubble Boy.

Our 2nd date is tonight…Wish me luck and hopefully this breath of fresh air will keep on breathing!  lol

It’s been a long long time/long long road to get back to a first date again. Without going into details, I’ve had my feelings hurt (on purpose) and have hurt some in return (most definitely not on purpose). But here I am, alive and kicking (some major ass). ;P

After dating so many…ahem…on and off-line losers….I’m back online dating again, only this time I’m not as naive or jaded to the whole online dating scene. I know a little about the pre-date hooplah now.  First up, my Pre-Date Cardnial Rule #1:  Talk to him over the phone before the date! I don’t care if it’s the night before and you’re about to get some sleep.  Make sure he calls you, and NOT the other way around.  Why?  Soooo many reasons…

1.)    Inflections in a voice are everything.  They give your date more personality than those snazzy emoticons.  😉

2.)    There won’t be any vague comments or misunderstandings that text messages deliver most of the time.  How many times have you questioned what the quintessential “…” meant after a comment?

3.)    You can hear your date’s surroundings.  This is VERY important.  Make sure he/she calls you when they’re home.  You need to know if he really lives on his own or are the roommates he’s been griping about are really his parents, girlfriend or wife.

4.)    Keep the phone call to a general.  Most of the men I’ve date don’t feel comfortable about talking over the phone.  It’s not about whether he’s comfortable, it’s about whether you’re comfortable with this guy taking you out.  But, you can compromise a little by keeping the conversation short.  This also helps keeping some of the mystery about yourself and your date.  Get the general info: job, car, kids, home, etc., but leave the fun tidbits/questions for the date.

My experience has been that if a guy is willing to text you to see how your day was or strike up some other random conversation, talk to the man!  He’s most likely not doing it to get in your pants because, like I’ve said conversations (especially long pauses) tend to make men squirm. 

So daters, do you need an non-text message conversation?  Or are you more comfortable with texting?  And, if you’d like, share your pre-date cardinal rule.  😉

I’m all about second chances, but this is Mr. Green Day’s THIRD chance.  He emailed me last week hoping for another chance.  I was okay with it at first…then the signs that he was going to cancel on me again: He asks me to pick wherever I’d like to go, then I don’t hear from him for the next two days…I thought the pattern was returning, so I took the initiative asnd cancelled.  😀 

I took the power back and I cancelled as sheepishly as he did before! 

Now I’m open to meet someone this weekend. 

;D

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D

One thing many of you do no know about me is that I actually do have a life outside online dating!  SHOCKER!  I know, I know.  My entire blog focuses on online dating.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with blogging.  You can take any topic you want and create an online journal dedicated towards the topic, which the world has the pleasure to view. 

Unfortunately, I decided it was a “great” idea to post my blogs on Facebook.  Not such a great idea in retrospect because for those of you who know nothing about me (which I’m trying to figure out so I can delete you from my Facebook “friends” list, post haste!), you could assume that I only care about finding the right man or even…that I’m…DESPERATE!!!  Honestly, maybe I am.  In some ways aren’t we all?  Who doesn’t crave to be loved and understood?  Who doesn’t want that one person who will laugh at their jokes or tell them it wasn’t that funny, and then the two of you laugh about your unfunny joke?  I figure that online dating is my shot to get out there, because my Mr. Right is NOT in Harrisburg, Pa. 

So here I am blogging…and here I’ll stay…

Do people who use online dating sites have social issues?  To be fair I’m saying people, when really I mean men…especially the mean the men I’m had the “pleasure” of dating.

I’m a social and open person and yet the men that are attracted to me are workaholics, too busy to do online dating or don’t know how to talk to a woman.  I wonder if most of these guys have been hiding under a rock, afraid that females will come scoop them up and eat them whole.  They figure that going online to find a partner is easier because they introduce themselves to the female population in a setting where rejection is never face-to-face.  OR, online is a place they can easily lie, be insincere or perverted.

Either way, Eharmony may have be the best chance to meet your future husband or wife, but for me it’s introduced me to nothing but rock-hiding FREAKS!


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