Minxie Winksie's Blog

Archive for the ‘Dating’ Category

It’s been a long long time/long long road to get back to a first date again. Without going into details, I’ve had my feelings hurt (on purpose) and have hurt some in return (most definitely not on purpose). But here I am, alive and kicking (some major ass). ;P

After dating so many…ahem…on and off-line losers….I’m back online dating again, only this time I’m not as naive or jaded to the whole online dating scene. I know a little about the pre-date hooplah now.  First up, my Pre-Date Cardnial Rule #1:  Talk to him over the phone before the date! I don’t care if it’s the night before and you’re about to get some sleep.  Make sure he calls you, and NOT the other way around.  Why?  Soooo many reasons…

1.)    Inflections in a voice are everything.  They give your date more personality than those snazzy emoticons.  😉

2.)    There won’t be any vague comments or misunderstandings that text messages deliver most of the time.  How many times have you questioned what the quintessential “…” meant after a comment?

3.)    You can hear your date’s surroundings.  This is VERY important.  Make sure he/she calls you when they’re home.  You need to know if he really lives on his own or are the roommates he’s been griping about are really his parents, girlfriend or wife.

4.)    Keep the phone call to a general.  Most of the men I’ve date don’t feel comfortable about talking over the phone.  It’s not about whether he’s comfortable, it’s about whether you’re comfortable with this guy taking you out.  But, you can compromise a little by keeping the conversation short.  This also helps keeping some of the mystery about yourself and your date.  Get the general info: job, car, kids, home, etc., but leave the fun tidbits/questions for the date.

My experience has been that if a guy is willing to text you to see how your day was or strike up some other random conversation, talk to the man!  He’s most likely not doing it to get in your pants because, like I’ve said conversations (especially long pauses) tend to make men squirm. 

So daters, do you need an non-text message conversation?  Or are you more comfortable with texting?  And, if you’d like, share your pre-date cardinal rule.  😉

The more I tried online dating, the more I became open-minded.  Take Mr. Small and Mighty.  He listed himself as a 37-year-old, 5’7” Caucasian man…no children mentioned.  His picture was okay and he was shorter than I usually like men to be, but I gave him a chance.

His stats:

Lived in one of the toughest neighborhoods in the area for years

Dates only African-American women, or Puerto Ricans

Worker at Fed Ex for 17 years

Has a son who’s 17

5’6” (barely)

Drives a Lexus (not that this matters)

He’s a really nice guy, but just not my type.  He’s not as outgoing as me…he’s quite, reserved but still high-strung.  But, somehow we made it to 3, that’s THREE, dates.  I don’t even know how, but I think both of us wanted to feel the other one out.  We’re both a little standoffish/shy and I think that has made us take things really slow…

But like I said he’s not my type, so on the last and last date the kiss had to seal the deal.  It was actually less of a kiss, more of a tongue lashing.  He dropped me off at my apartment and I took him inside of my doorway for some privacy.  I knew it was coming and I thought: ‘I haven’t felt any attraction, no spark with him.  If I don’t feel anything for him after this kiss, then I’ll cut it off.’  He pulled me into a hug, drew back and then pulled me close and kissed me.  My lips aren’t big, but his are minuscule.  So my mouth enveloped his, his tongue shot into mine and then went to town burrowing it’s way to my frickin’ tonsils.  He must have been into it because his hands grabbed my butt, pulled me even closer and continued mauling my mouth with his tongue.  Luckily it didn’t last long.  He must have really liked the kiss because he texted me to say hello after I got out of work the next day.

Unfortunately, I didn’t.  He’s a nice guy, who’s done a lot for his kid, but he’s not for me. 

NEXT!!!!

;D

I’m all about second chances, but this is Mr. Green Day’s THIRD chance.  He emailed me last week hoping for another chance.  I was okay with it at first…then the signs that he was going to cancel on me again: He asks me to pick wherever I’d like to go, then I don’t hear from him for the next two days…I thought the pattern was returning, so I took the initiative asnd cancelled.  😀 

I took the power back and I cancelled as sheepishly as he did before! 

Now I’m open to meet someone this weekend. 

;D

 When you throw a guy away, sometimes he comes back and pursues you with a vengeance.

I threw away Mr. B last year after we hit it off on Match.com and in a weeks’ time it tanked.  At first we had some quirky and funny conversations that turned awkward, and then straight-up weird.  I think he was overly cautious and afraid of dating again, even though he put up a good front by joking about an ex-girlfriend that put him through the ringer.  He might have also been cautious because he never dated outside of his race, but I looked sweet so he wanted to get to know me.  (Yay me…)

A lot of good that did because by the time we hit the “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” question, he said we weren’t a match and jumped ship.  I was shocked because that wasn’t the case, but I could tell he was…scared.  (I could go on and on about the color issue being the reason he was scared, but I’ve run into the “I’ve never dated a Black woman” type so much that it doesn’t faze me anymore and it isn’t worth going on a rant.)

We end up meeting again at a local Giant where we both have part-time jobs.  He works in produce, and I’m contracted by an outside company to do food surveys.  I didn’t know what to expect from him more than 6 months later so I avoided eye contact or even being in the same air space, and acted like he didn’t exist.  I know, real mature…  But what would you do if someone just cut you off like that without really getting to know you, AND THEN you ran into them at a sort of mutual job? 

He was hesitant at first, but by the second time my survey company came to the store (about a month later), he emailed me and acted like he didn’t remember why we stopped talking and wanted us to be friends.  I saw this going two ways: We really get to know each other this time and it could move into something more OR We get to know each other and decide that friendship is best.

We’ll have to see…either way my guard is on full alert with the lights flashing and crazed security dogs!

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉

Sometimes slipping back into a pair of worn in, but still cute jeans is a lot easier than buying a whole new pair, at least for me.  😉 

I think I’m the same way with men.  Such as my ex Kevin…he and I dated a year and a half ago for almost 6 months.  I left him when he didn’t want to introduce me to his parents.  We had some pretty heated arguments because his excuse was that he’s commitment-phobic….or what I call a cop-out.  He accused me of wanting titles, and in return I accused him of holding onto so much pain from the past he couldn’t see a good woman even if she (me) slapped him across his face.  Of course I didn’t lower myself to physical violence…I left with his pleads following me out of the door.

Nine months later I found myself contacting him again.  I was concerned.  I know the way I left hurt him, but I had to do it for me.  He was still very angry with me at this point, so I left the idea of us becoming friends die a quick death and moved on. 

But maybe I never really did, because there I was last Friday at one of the best sushi places in town, sharing a bottle of wine with “the ex-boyfriend.”  It was easy to slip back into the groove of gabbing over our shared favorite food.  I talked about hobbies I’ve been getting into, my new goals; my accomplishments, and he talked about the same. 

But Kevin had a big surprise for me; he’s been seeing this “girl” (44-year-old woman and 10 years his senior) for 18 months now.  (Now if you’re seeing a woman who’s is grown than you are for over 18 months, don’t you think you’d see her as more than “your girl.”  She’s a grown ass woman!)  Anyway, he complained their “thing” had grown stale and he wasn’t sure he’d continue. 

I wasn’t surprised.  Kevin has always been and will always be commitment-phobic.  He’ll never want to talk about taking the “dating” and making it into a “relationship.”  He doesn’t believe in titles.  He still doesn’t feel any woman was good enough for him, even though he could never reciprocate the perfectionism he desired.  He probably felt this way about his current “relationship” for some time, which is why he jumped to eat sushi with me, dressed like he was on a date.  Same old Kevin…

So as for me…I have no desire for my old pair of jeans anymore.  I may be used to the fit, but they’re old, tired, worn-in, out of style, and there are SO SO many more pairs that could easily suit my body, and many will fit me a hell of a lot better.  So those jeans…they’ll be donated to the nearest Goodwill store…ASAP!!!

 😉

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D


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