Minxie Winksie's Blog

Archive for the ‘Dating Scene’ Category

Ohhhhh the life we single women have to lead…

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to enjoy the company of my best friend, her husband and about six of her husband’s co-workers at this swanky, tan and cobalt blue color coordinated club.  I came fresh off a date that had to be cut short, and I wasn’t happy about it.  I was sizzling’ hot, so a little come-hither guy therapy was definitely in order.  Unfortunately, I got the wrong guy.

Before I knew he was married, I did think he was cute.  He’s a cross between Eminem (because of his looks) and Bill Murray (because of his humor).  He’s employed, pays his taxes, has a child he takes care…and would be a good match for me if he wasn’t a horrible drunk and MARRIED.  Of course, the last two parts took him out of the running.  But I wasn’t.  He proceeded to sit on my lap in his drunken stupor, I giggled because this is harmless.  At least until he started rubbing my leg and whispered that no one would know.  When I got away from him he slurred it was because he’s white, which I assured him wasn’t true.  It’s because he’s MARRIED and refused to act like he didn’t. 

Just my luck I was jammed between him and my way-past-drunk best friend all night.  She wasn’t the only one not to notice him caressing my knee, which I tried to ignore.  When he pinched my elbow; I glared.   When he said I hated him and I should slit his wrists; I had it.  So I lied to my drunken best friend that we were going dancing and yanked her into the bathroom for some girl talk.  When we got back, Mr. Married Stalker had been forced into a corner by his friends who had been paying attention the whole time (thanks for the “too little, too late” actions guys).  I went back to my seat, started flirting with his single, sober and very cute friend and tried to ignore him while he gave me the sad puppy face, glared and mouthed: “Why do you hate me?”

I cringe at the thought of having to see Mr. Married Stalker again, but it’s inevitable…Ugh.

The more I tried online dating, the more I became open-minded.  Take Mr. Small and Mighty.  He listed himself as a 37-year-old, 5’7” Caucasian man…no children mentioned.  His picture was okay and he was shorter than I usually like men to be, but I gave him a chance.

His stats:

Lived in one of the toughest neighborhoods in the area for years

Dates only African-American women, or Puerto Ricans

Worker at Fed Ex for 17 years

Has a son who’s 17

5’6” (barely)

Drives a Lexus (not that this matters)

He’s a really nice guy, but just not my type.  He’s not as outgoing as me…he’s quite, reserved but still high-strung.  But, somehow we made it to 3, that’s THREE, dates.  I don’t even know how, but I think both of us wanted to feel the other one out.  We’re both a little standoffish/shy and I think that has made us take things really slow…

But like I said he’s not my type, so on the last and last date the kiss had to seal the deal.  It was actually less of a kiss, more of a tongue lashing.  He dropped me off at my apartment and I took him inside of my doorway for some privacy.  I knew it was coming and I thought: ‘I haven’t felt any attraction, no spark with him.  If I don’t feel anything for him after this kiss, then I’ll cut it off.’  He pulled me into a hug, drew back and then pulled me close and kissed me.  My lips aren’t big, but his are minuscule.  So my mouth enveloped his, his tongue shot into mine and then went to town burrowing it’s way to my frickin’ tonsils.  He must have been into it because his hands grabbed my butt, pulled me even closer and continued mauling my mouth with his tongue.  Luckily it didn’t last long.  He must have really liked the kiss because he texted me to say hello after I got out of work the next day.

Unfortunately, I didn’t.  He’s a nice guy, who’s done a lot for his kid, but he’s not for me. 

NEXT!!!!

;D

 When you throw a guy away, sometimes he comes back and pursues you with a vengeance.

I threw away Mr. B last year after we hit it off on Match.com and in a weeks’ time it tanked.  At first we had some quirky and funny conversations that turned awkward, and then straight-up weird.  I think he was overly cautious and afraid of dating again, even though he put up a good front by joking about an ex-girlfriend that put him through the ringer.  He might have also been cautious because he never dated outside of his race, but I looked sweet so he wanted to get to know me.  (Yay me…)

A lot of good that did because by the time we hit the “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” question, he said we weren’t a match and jumped ship.  I was shocked because that wasn’t the case, but I could tell he was…scared.  (I could go on and on about the color issue being the reason he was scared, but I’ve run into the “I’ve never dated a Black woman” type so much that it doesn’t faze me anymore and it isn’t worth going on a rant.)

We end up meeting again at a local Giant where we both have part-time jobs.  He works in produce, and I’m contracted by an outside company to do food surveys.  I didn’t know what to expect from him more than 6 months later so I avoided eye contact or even being in the same air space, and acted like he didn’t exist.  I know, real mature…  But what would you do if someone just cut you off like that without really getting to know you, AND THEN you ran into them at a sort of mutual job? 

He was hesitant at first, but by the second time my survey company came to the store (about a month later), he emailed me and acted like he didn’t remember why we stopped talking and wanted us to be friends.  I saw this going two ways: We really get to know each other this time and it could move into something more OR We get to know each other and decide that friendship is best.

We’ll have to see…either way my guard is on full alert with the lights flashing and crazed security dogs!

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D

Do people who use online dating sites have social issues?  To be fair I’m saying people, when really I mean men…especially the mean the men I’m had the “pleasure” of dating.

I’m a social and open person and yet the men that are attracted to me are workaholics, too busy to do online dating or don’t know how to talk to a woman.  I wonder if most of these guys have been hiding under a rock, afraid that females will come scoop them up and eat them whole.  They figure that going online to find a partner is easier because they introduce themselves to the female population in a setting where rejection is never face-to-face.  OR, online is a place they can easily lie, be insincere or perverted.

Either way, Eharmony may have be the best chance to meet your future husband or wife, but for me it’s introduced me to nothing but rock-hiding FREAKS!

Online dating continues to be a learning experience for me.  I find I’m constantly discovering what I can and cannot handle.  I’ll admit it.  I don’t like rejection and a big part to online dating is being rejected. 

If you’re an online dater like me, here are several types of rejection that you can experience…or dish out yourself: 

There’s the Superficial rejection: where someone views your picture and don’t find you appealing so they ignore your match notification sent by the dating program, email, wink or poke.  Let’s be honest…you’ve probably done this several times yourself, so it may not faze you at all.

One might experience the Semi-superficial rejection: where you and the other person hit it off through email, then text and then phone, or whatever order and method you choose.  But, when you meet in person they, or even you, may feel that there’s nothing there for you.  Maybe their posted picture wasn’t a true reflection of who you got to meet up close and personal; maybe it’s the same with their personality.  One person is bound to feel rejected…but it’s kind of your or their fault for false advertising.  You have to be yourself when dating, making yourself out to be someone you’re not will only hurt you in the end when your partner realizes you put on a sham.

Finally, the It’s Them Not You…aka…they have issues rejection: where at the end of an fireworks and sparks-smiling until your face hurts type of date, they could end up either not calling you ever again, or giving you the “We need to slow down line” and never call you again.  Why?  Because they have issues.  It could be commitment, insecurity, self-doubt, assholishness (yes, this isn’t a real word, but it should be), indecision, or maybe they just aren’t into like they are someone else.  Who knows?  But, if you are blown by this revelation…then guess what?  This kind of rejection is okay

Ask yourself this:  Do you really want someone in your life who cares very little about the awesome person you are, or whose mind changes with the wind?  Do you want someone who doesn’t know what they want, especially when you do?  You should be saying hell no.  This person rejecting you is the best thing that could happen.  You can now use them to make a list of things you don’t want, leading you to find someone that is a better match.  Easy. 

The hard part is sticking to it.  I know I struggle with it every time I talk to a new guy or go on a date.  But, I keep putting myself out there because I have a feeling the guy for me is right around the corner.

😉

I’ve been taking a stroll down the rabbit hole of superficiality again…

First off, let me say it’s not my fault.  I just LOVE my stilettos.  As someone who is 5’3”, they’re kind of necessary.  I go from squat to lengthy and many times from short legs to those like a gazelle!  They even improve my posture.  I’m so used to wearing them that I can barely walk in flats!

But what do I do when my upcoming Eharmony date on Friday is 5’8”?  And, men typically add a few inches…so he may even be 5’6”.  Either way, this guy…let’s call him Mr. Moto…is the shortest guy I’ve ever gone out with.  How am I going to strut my really cute but comfortable outfit (pictures later maybe?) when I may end up being the same height as my date, possibly making him uncomfortable and me too since I’m used to dating guys who are closer to 6”, are exactly 6”and sometimes over.  (Men typically like to date women who are shorter than they are…sorry you gazelle legged women out there.)  I don’t have any decent flats, let alone an outfit that goes with flats!

I should really try not to be superficial about his height.  I shouldn’t care.  Shame on me.  Mr. Moto’s a great guy! 

His Stats:

Teacher in a struggling school district

Loves his job

Wants to make a difference in his student’s lives

Drives a motorcycle in good weather

Love historical fiction

Is a romantic

Christian

Okay…maybe I’m not being superficial since I just listed more than five things about him and none are physical, financial or car related.  He and I have had some amazing email conversations too.  I’m really enjoying getting to know him.  I think our date is going to be amazing.  I found this little hole in the wall Lebanese restaurant that has belly dancing at 7:30.  It’s cultural, intimate, something completely out of the box for me and him…it’s perfect. 

I think I’m just being silly.  I have this feeling that the chemistry between us will outweigh any artificial height difference.

As always…stay tuned!!!

😉


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