Minxie Winksie's Blog

Archive for the ‘Black Women’ Category

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉

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Sometimes slipping back into a pair of worn in, but still cute jeans is a lot easier than buying a whole new pair, at least for me.  😉 

I think I’m the same way with men.  Such as my ex Kevin…he and I dated a year and a half ago for almost 6 months.  I left him when he didn’t want to introduce me to his parents.  We had some pretty heated arguments because his excuse was that he’s commitment-phobic….or what I call a cop-out.  He accused me of wanting titles, and in return I accused him of holding onto so much pain from the past he couldn’t see a good woman even if she (me) slapped him across his face.  Of course I didn’t lower myself to physical violence…I left with his pleads following me out of the door.

Nine months later I found myself contacting him again.  I was concerned.  I know the way I left hurt him, but I had to do it for me.  He was still very angry with me at this point, so I left the idea of us becoming friends die a quick death and moved on. 

But maybe I never really did, because there I was last Friday at one of the best sushi places in town, sharing a bottle of wine with “the ex-boyfriend.”  It was easy to slip back into the groove of gabbing over our shared favorite food.  I talked about hobbies I’ve been getting into, my new goals; my accomplishments, and he talked about the same. 

But Kevin had a big surprise for me; he’s been seeing this “girl” (44-year-old woman and 10 years his senior) for 18 months now.  (Now if you’re seeing a woman who’s is grown than you are for over 18 months, don’t you think you’d see her as more than “your girl.”  She’s a grown ass woman!)  Anyway, he complained their “thing” had grown stale and he wasn’t sure he’d continue. 

I wasn’t surprised.  Kevin has always been and will always be commitment-phobic.  He’ll never want to talk about taking the “dating” and making it into a “relationship.”  He doesn’t believe in titles.  He still doesn’t feel any woman was good enough for him, even though he could never reciprocate the perfectionism he desired.  He probably felt this way about his current “relationship” for some time, which is why he jumped to eat sushi with me, dressed like he was on a date.  Same old Kevin…

So as for me…I have no desire for my old pair of jeans anymore.  I may be used to the fit, but they’re old, tired, worn-in, out of style, and there are SO SO many more pairs that could easily suit my body, and many will fit me a hell of a lot better.  So those jeans…they’ll be donated to the nearest Goodwill store…ASAP!!!

 😉

Recently a report from Yale that said 43 percent of African-American women over the age of 16 have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women.  Statistics like this disgust me, but don’t surprise me.  Too many times I’ve read articles, from Black publications and non, or viewed television shows that lament over the successful Black woman’s plight to find love.  I’m sick of it.   The people writing these reports don’t care about the people behind the statistics they post.  Every time a negative statistic is posted about African American women (which is often) they might as well be

And people wonder why many Black women feel like they have to keep up that Alpha woman façade.  When negativity is constantly being thrown at you without inhibition, when you are told that you are more likely to have AIDs, more STDs, more likely to have children out of wedlock, more likely to be on welfare, but STILL be the highest percentage of unmarried women…you could end up with a shroud, a veneer, a wall or negativity.  I get that…it’s merely protection from the outside world and all of its assumptions, stereotypes, and disregard for who you are as an individual.

I will admit that some women have gone overboard.  I have heard from several successful Black men that they won’t buy us a drink at a bar for fear of not only rejection, but a possible beheading for even daring to buy a Black woman a drink.  One man, successful, almost 40, and looking for his Black queen told me:

“I have no idea how to talk to younger Black women anymore yet along attempt to look at one.  Every time I try, they would rather eat me alive than accept a free drink.  I’m not asking for anything, I’m just offering a free drink to a sister because I can….and nothing else.  And it shouldn’t be like that.”

I think Black women don’t know how to be approached.  If a nice looking man at the end of the bar buys you a drink, you don’t owe him anything but a thank you.  If the man receives constant negative reactions from various types of Black women, they will build up a wall to the rejection.  And most likely will end up stereotyping and having distaste for Black women.  That’s tragic. 

But, it doesn’t have to be like this. 

Demetria L. Lucas, a.k.a. A Belle in Brooklyn, is a relationship columnist for Essence magazine and she has it right.  She advises Black women not to think about the dire statistics and well-publicized odds against us.  We must focus on the possibilities.  We must let go of the Alpha female demeanor and add a little softness by trying these 6 rules:

  1. “Smile & Say ‘hi.’
  2. “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. . . . Lip gloss and a comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.
  3. “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.
  4. “Flatter your best asset. If it’s your smile, um, smile. If it’s your legs, wear a skirt.
  5. “Stop looking for men in bunches like at the club or happy hour. Men are everywhere, on the street, in line, in the elevator, on the train (in fact, I ran up on a superior cutie last night getting off the train. . . . I smiled, said, ‘Hell-o.’ He took it from there.) When you see someone that catches your eye no matter where you are, say something. (‘Hi’ is fine. If he is remotely interested, he will take it from there. He’s been practicing opening lines since he was 13.)
  6. “Go out alone. (But be safe.) I know you just thought ‘hell no!’ Try it, just once.”

 

Her rules are pretty brief, but definitely a good start.  So the next time you see a Black, White, Latino, Asian, or whatever other kind of man, just try it.  You might even save one of those nice Black men who are on the edge of never dating another Black woman ever again from jumping. 

;-D

Oh my, how I lost my way.  My dear blog, I had such high hopes for you.  I was going to let the world see how it is for an educated, African American woman dating in a small city.  But, all that I achieved was a sense of desperation, panic, loneliness and pain; feelings I denied for years existed inside of me.

So it’s time for me to refocus, rededicate and revamp.  I’ll still use the same name and page design, but I’m going back to my original plan.  I still And, I’ll keep my old posts to show the positive changes I’ve made for myself.  If I find that a year later I’m single; then I’ll be a well-rounded and self full-filled, single woman.  If the right one has found me, you better believe I’ll still be that well-rounded and self full-filled woman.

Here we go…

Let’s call this one…Mr. Green Day because he looks kind of like the cuter version of the lead singer.

All I have to say is: TATTOOS! Man does he have them. They start at his wrist, then to his shoulders and then to his breast plate on the left side and a little on the right, but none around his neck. I only know this because a picture of his upper body is on his profile! 😛

His stats:

Has a bachelor degree in…

Back in school to learn Radiography (Definition: The use of the property of X-rays to cross materials to view inside objects. The impact on society of this technique has also been immense: application fields are medical, non-destructive testing, food inspection, security and archeology….thanks Wikipedia!)

LOVES playing the drums

LOVES staying in shape

LOVE his tattoos and wants to get more

Drummer+Tattoos+Brains=YUMMY!!!

BUT…

I don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole of superficiality! I want to pick his brain to see how someone can be so left and right brained at the same time. How many Radiographers do you know that play drums and have tons of tattoos? Maybe I’ll ask him what his first degree is in, where did he go to school for that degree, where he is now, what is radiography, how long has he been playing the drums, why so many tattoos, what is the first one…The trick is to make it flow and not sound like a list of questions, like it does now.

Can’t wait!

Three days later…

I was supposed to have sent this blog when I made plans with Mr. Green Day, just like I was SUPPOSED to have a date this past Sunday…boy was I wrong. Well, Mr. Green Day and I hadn’t talked since we made plans Thursday. Then I text him Sunday, two hours before we were supposed to meet and I get a message saying he can’t make it because of family issue…what a bunch of bull-whooie! He said he wanted to meet up this week, so I responded “Sure, but only if you meet me in my area” (we were originally going to meet in a neutral place, my not so bright idea). We’ll see if this pans out. I’m not worried. I have plenty of others in my back pocket. As always, I’ll keep you posted. 😉

One thing I noticed about most online dating sites…and I’ve tried some of the “best” (Match.com, Yahoo Personals), is that there aren’t that many Black men there.  I should really say there are very few who are compatible with me and are interested.  Why would a Black man need to go on an online dating site to meet Black women?  They can talk to/hit on/ask us out any day they want.  The Black men I see on these sites are looking for anything but.

SO…

I am PROUD to be a card-carrying member of the “Date Whomever I Want” Club.  Really, I’ve been a member since I was a kid.  Growing up in a Jewish suburb, a mostly Jewish school, a church where there was only ten African-American families out of several hundred Caucasians…I was bound to date outside of my race.  My first boyfriend was white, as well as the second, third, fourth, etc.  When I think back on all of my legitimate boyfriends (those who I was in an actual relationship and not just “going out”), they’ve all been White. 

And it’s not by choice!  I am NOT a traitor.  I do NOT prefer Caucasian men.  I DO have a very strong attraction to MANY Black men.  Those fine Black men from my area, the ones with the college educations, no kids (there are very few), a good job and a reliable car…WITH all their bills paid for each month…they don’t ask me out.  They’d rather date White women.  And I really can’t be mad at them for that…that would make me a hypocrite.  Still, it would be nice for one of them to take interest.

I think it’s because my parents never discouraged me, even though they never tried to fool me by saying love is blind.  They also never tried to lie to me by saying the perfect Black man, who’s just like my daddy, would love me forever, marry me and give me children.  Because my parents looked at our mostly White world and saw I had, and still have, very few options. 

If I look for someone who is eloquent, educated, strong-willed, and resilient like my father, grandfather and my uncles, and not care what color the guy is then I will give myself the best chance of finding that everlasting love.  So if a nice non-African American guy asks me out or says he wants to get to know me…who am I to deny someone who could potentially be my husband and make me happy?

😉


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