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If you have ever read my blog, you would know that my online dating experience has been less than satisfactory.  (And if you haven’t, I suggest that you get on that ASAP!!!)  To be completely honest: It’s been the most hellish, absorbing and introspective/retrospective experience I have ever had.  And I don’t wish going about finding love this way on anyone.

The area I live in lacks history, culture, class, multiculturalism, educated men, educated men without kids, and once again….educated men without extreme baggage.  But why continue if it’s so bad when my options are limited?    But, I’m stubborn and pig-headed.  I refuse to believe that there isn’t a guy out there who wouldn’t love to be around my adorable-quirky self.

Of course my loved ones try hooking me up so that I can experience a more “normal” method of dating.  Nothing turned up during my 2+ years slaving away at online dating…BUT lately, my best friend and her husband may have struck gold and that gold’s name is Ryan.  Ryan has wanted to get to know me since we met briefly last summer.  He’s adorable, attentive, OCD (no, really), asks me out on dates, makes plans in the future (if only a few days in the future, lol).  He opens the car door, is not college educated but he has a stable job with the National Guard, and owns a house (which is in perfect condition due to his OCD!).  He has some baggage.  But the way the world is now…if you don’t have baggage you must be the 2011 version of Bubble Boy.

Our 2nd date is tonight…Wish me luck and hopefully this breath of fresh air will keep on breathing!  lol

Ohhhhh the life we single women have to lead…

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to enjoy the company of my best friend, her husband and about six of her husband’s co-workers at this swanky, tan and cobalt blue color coordinated club.  I came fresh off a date that had to be cut short, and I wasn’t happy about it.  I was sizzling’ hot, so a little come-hither guy therapy was definitely in order.  Unfortunately, I got the wrong guy.

Before I knew he was married, I did think he was cute.  He’s a cross between Eminem (because of his looks) and Bill Murray (because of his humor).  He’s employed, pays his taxes, has a child he takes care…and would be a good match for me if he wasn’t a horrible drunk and MARRIED.  Of course, the last two parts took him out of the running.  But I wasn’t.  He proceeded to sit on my lap in his drunken stupor, I giggled because this is harmless.  At least until he started rubbing my leg and whispered that no one would know.  When I got away from him he slurred it was because he’s white, which I assured him wasn’t true.  It’s because he’s MARRIED and refused to act like he didn’t. 

Just my luck I was jammed between him and my way-past-drunk best friend all night.  She wasn’t the only one not to notice him caressing my knee, which I tried to ignore.  When he pinched my elbow; I glared.   When he said I hated him and I should slit his wrists; I had it.  So I lied to my drunken best friend that we were going dancing and yanked her into the bathroom for some girl talk.  When we got back, Mr. Married Stalker had been forced into a corner by his friends who had been paying attention the whole time (thanks for the “too little, too late” actions guys).  I went back to my seat, started flirting with his single, sober and very cute friend and tried to ignore him while he gave me the sad puppy face, glared and mouthed: “Why do you hate me?”

I cringe at the thought of having to see Mr. Married Stalker again, but it’s inevitable…Ugh.

It’s been a long long time/long long road to get back to a first date again. Without going into details, I’ve had my feelings hurt (on purpose) and have hurt some in return (most definitely not on purpose). But here I am, alive and kicking (some major ass). ;P

After dating so many…ahem…on and off-line losers….I’m back online dating again, only this time I’m not as naive or jaded to the whole online dating scene. I know a little about the pre-date hooplah now.  First up, my Pre-Date Cardnial Rule #1:  Talk to him over the phone before the date! I don’t care if it’s the night before and you’re about to get some sleep.  Make sure he calls you, and NOT the other way around.  Why?  Soooo many reasons…

1.)    Inflections in a voice are everything.  They give your date more personality than those snazzy emoticons.  😉

2.)    There won’t be any vague comments or misunderstandings that text messages deliver most of the time.  How many times have you questioned what the quintessential “…” meant after a comment?

3.)    You can hear your date’s surroundings.  This is VERY important.  Make sure he/she calls you when they’re home.  You need to know if he really lives on his own or are the roommates he’s been griping about are really his parents, girlfriend or wife.

4.)    Keep the phone call to a general.  Most of the men I’ve date don’t feel comfortable about talking over the phone.  It’s not about whether he’s comfortable, it’s about whether you’re comfortable with this guy taking you out.  But, you can compromise a little by keeping the conversation short.  This also helps keeping some of the mystery about yourself and your date.  Get the general info: job, car, kids, home, etc., but leave the fun tidbits/questions for the date.

My experience has been that if a guy is willing to text you to see how your day was or strike up some other random conversation, talk to the man!  He’s most likely not doing it to get in your pants because, like I’ve said conversations (especially long pauses) tend to make men squirm. 

So daters, do you need an non-text message conversation?  Or are you more comfortable with texting?  And, if you’d like, share your pre-date cardinal rule.  😉

The more I tried online dating, the more I became open-minded.  Take Mr. Small and Mighty.  He listed himself as a 37-year-old, 5’7” Caucasian man…no children mentioned.  His picture was okay and he was shorter than I usually like men to be, but I gave him a chance.

His stats:

Lived in one of the toughest neighborhoods in the area for years

Dates only African-American women, or Puerto Ricans

Worker at Fed Ex for 17 years

Has a son who’s 17

5’6” (barely)

Drives a Lexus (not that this matters)

He’s a really nice guy, but just not my type.  He’s not as outgoing as me…he’s quite, reserved but still high-strung.  But, somehow we made it to 3, that’s THREE, dates.  I don’t even know how, but I think both of us wanted to feel the other one out.  We’re both a little standoffish/shy and I think that has made us take things really slow…

But like I said he’s not my type, so on the last and last date the kiss had to seal the deal.  It was actually less of a kiss, more of a tongue lashing.  He dropped me off at my apartment and I took him inside of my doorway for some privacy.  I knew it was coming and I thought: ‘I haven’t felt any attraction, no spark with him.  If I don’t feel anything for him after this kiss, then I’ll cut it off.’  He pulled me into a hug, drew back and then pulled me close and kissed me.  My lips aren’t big, but his are minuscule.  So my mouth enveloped his, his tongue shot into mine and then went to town burrowing it’s way to my frickin’ tonsils.  He must have been into it because his hands grabbed my butt, pulled me even closer and continued mauling my mouth with his tongue.  Luckily it didn’t last long.  He must have really liked the kiss because he texted me to say hello after I got out of work the next day.

Unfortunately, I didn’t.  He’s a nice guy, who’s done a lot for his kid, but he’s not for me. 

NEXT!!!!

;D

I’m all about second chances, but this is Mr. Green Day’s THIRD chance.  He emailed me last week hoping for another chance.  I was okay with it at first…then the signs that he was going to cancel on me again: He asks me to pick wherever I’d like to go, then I don’t hear from him for the next two days…I thought the pattern was returning, so I took the initiative asnd cancelled.  😀 

I took the power back and I cancelled as sheepishly as he did before! 

Now I’m open to meet someone this weekend. 

;D

 When you throw a guy away, sometimes he comes back and pursues you with a vengeance.

I threw away Mr. B last year after we hit it off on Match.com and in a weeks’ time it tanked.  At first we had some quirky and funny conversations that turned awkward, and then straight-up weird.  I think he was overly cautious and afraid of dating again, even though he put up a good front by joking about an ex-girlfriend that put him through the ringer.  He might have also been cautious because he never dated outside of his race, but I looked sweet so he wanted to get to know me.  (Yay me…)

A lot of good that did because by the time we hit the “What’s your idea of a perfect date?” question, he said we weren’t a match and jumped ship.  I was shocked because that wasn’t the case, but I could tell he was…scared.  (I could go on and on about the color issue being the reason he was scared, but I’ve run into the “I’ve never dated a Black woman” type so much that it doesn’t faze me anymore and it isn’t worth going on a rant.)

We end up meeting again at a local Giant where we both have part-time jobs.  He works in produce, and I’m contracted by an outside company to do food surveys.  I didn’t know what to expect from him more than 6 months later so I avoided eye contact or even being in the same air space, and acted like he didn’t exist.  I know, real mature…  But what would you do if someone just cut you off like that without really getting to know you, AND THEN you ran into them at a sort of mutual job? 

He was hesitant at first, but by the second time my survey company came to the store (about a month later), he emailed me and acted like he didn’t remember why we stopped talking and wanted us to be friends.  I saw this going two ways: We really get to know each other this time and it could move into something more OR We get to know each other and decide that friendship is best.

We’ll have to see…either way my guard is on full alert with the lights flashing and crazed security dogs!

Eharmony has been such a waste of money.  Even as I sit here looking at the email notifications of possible matches that pop up on my phone, I don’t care.  Those emails, an average of 5 a day, will amount to nothing.  They’re nothing more than a water-downed, generic and computer generated version of who my “match” is and they’re always several hours away from me.

I’m tired…of online dating.  I’m tired of the beginning of something, knowing it will turn into nothing.  I’m tired of the long process, not that I liked the fast one Match.com offers. 

I’m even tired of dates!  I don’t want to get dressed up for some guy I barely know just so he can internally scrutinize my body and not hear a word I say.  AND, I’m tired of scrutinizing men right back.

I’m tired of meeting men with so much baggage they couldn’t fit it on a UPS plane!

I could go on, but I think you get my drift, right?

I feel like I’ve run a marathon of the online date sites over the last two years, and I’m over the process.  It’s absolute torture for someone who is social and outgoing like me. 

But, online dating has done one good thing for me.  It has running and screaming to any populated place of interest for me: poetry nights, open mic nights, art galleries, wine tastings, bars, etc.  Anywhere I can go, I have been going…even by myself (except to bars, that’s just creepy). 

And, I realized I find solace in being around people.  I am a people person, and online dating was keeping me so busy that I wasn’t able to be myself.  In less than a month I can do that 24-7!  I’ll be free…to date whoever I want, whenever I want, without having my computer on my lap.  Woooooohooooo!!!

😉


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